Faith vs Fear
So my woman and I got into it last night. Why we got into the fight really doesn’t matter all that much in the grand scheme of things, typical relationship type shit, but what I encountered, internally, in the middle of a heated argument is what’s more important. I was left this morning, still despaired, after sleeping in the other room, feeling like I had possibly moved too fast into our relationship, again, not assessing a person on their actions, on their current level of evolvement, or who they are in their life at that moment, but again, more so based on the potential I see in them… This sort of accepting someone in has been at the seat of every major disappointment I have ever encountered with people. I give all of myself to someone once I let them into my heart, be it a friend, or a lover, so in the midst of this heated argument, or the morning after when/as it was still unresolved, my mind floated to the possibility of the relationship ending, either by her abandoning it, or by me giving up on it feeling like we’re on too different of levels, now. I love her. I know she’s who I want to be with, but I sometimes feel, especially at times like this, that she has long to go before fully being on a level of true understanding with me on many important things. Immediately though, I look inward to see my own involvement, error, responsibility, tendencies that have often brought me right here. I think of circumstances, memories, and moments with either, ex-girlfriends, ex-friends, my sisters, my mother, even my father, and I know its not that simple. It never is…
But still, its this thing in me that I find, every time I look at each time my heart has ever been broken, be it either by a lover, a friend, or members of my family, I see them for their potential, I see the good in them, I see their best intentions, whether they live up to those intentions, or not… I heard someone say, long ago, that people judge others on their actions, but themselves on their intentions. This is the way of the hypocrite, but it is also the way most people in this world, sadly, are. Its easy to see something someone else does that’s ‘wrong’ as wrong, because there it is in front of you, but as far as yourself goes, you know what’s in your head, in your ‘heart,’ so if you happen to fall short in your actions, you can comfort yourself with the knowledge of what your best intentions were, and then justify any actions of ‘less than impeccable integrity’ and move on… This is the true definition of a hypocrite, but the fallacy in this lies in justifying your own actions by your intentions, not in judging others by theirs. To judge someone by their actions is the way the world works, and, in my opinion, the way it probably should work, although I know I fall short of this all too often. I often try to put myself in someone else’s shoes, at least for the people I’ve let into my life, and justify, for them, their actions, and more often without their even asking me to. I just offer it up, wanting to give them, in most cases, the benefit of whatever doubt exists… But like my friend Alexandros ‘the great..’ says, “there is no benefit in doubt, my friend…”
I’m considered a ‘liberal’ by many of my ‘more conservative’ friends. I tell them I’m an anarchist, but they don’t understand (or seem to care to understand) what this really means. I try to explain to them the root of this word but I lose them along the way. It’s fine and, actually probably better this way. I don’t know what it means to be a liberal. Am I for or against the death penalty? I don’t really have an opinion. Am I for or against gay marriage? Everyone should have the right to be that stupid, yes, even gay people… Am I for or against abortion? Well, I wouldn’t ever choose to abort a child of mine but I do believe it should be my choice, and not the current government of modern society or some self proclaimed middle man placed between me and the divine, yes, I believe it should be my choice. Am I for or against ‘might makes right’ oppression and starvation? I am proud to say I am against it, including being against any person or persons who believe its alright for millions upon millions of people to starve while a growing minority of rich and powerful manipulate the masses to become more rich and powerful for no other reason than pure greed. How can this model be something people aspire to reach? How is this balance? Is this only how far we’ve come? The sad truth is that it is… Noam Chomsky has said that if the American public knew how much blood were actually on their hands, the world would be a significantly different place almost overnight. I believe that to be true, and not selling my soul to live according to today’s popular model will help me sleep just a little bit better at night, no matter if that means living as a fool who tries to be aware and change things, its worth it to me, and I do know, that I am a fool. Fuck, did I go off again into a side tangent?
I’m a very passionate person, passionate in love, passionate in my fights (to the point of rage) passionate about growth, acceptance, knowledge, wisdom, but most of all, passionate to and in the heart. Anyone and everyone I’ve ever let into my heart still holds a place there, even if they have broken my heart, by my own hand, by the ways of disappointment through my judging them on what I believed their intentions to be, their potential to be. I’m not ashamed of who I am, how I feel, or what I believe, but, it does often leave me feeling like this, writhing, isolated, alone, and desperate for change. Every time I’ve ever felt this heart break, it was watching another, that held a place in my heart, not live up to my hopes, my expectations of what I believed their higher selves to be, and then justify it through some immediate gratification, selling out their own potential of true happiness, growth, and enlightenment. But who am I to tell them what to choose? How to live? How to be happy? This is where my heart collapses, breaks, and in most cases, eventually rebuilds. I have to let go. I have to lose. You never learn the wealth in loss until you actually lose, its true. So I lose. My heart breaks. The connection breaks. And I pick up the pieces. I scurry along the ground, amongst the dirt, looking for whatever wisdom the experience has left for me, and pray I’m able to pick it up.
I have a little idea or theory you might say about life. I call it ‘faith vs fear.’ Everything in life, our individual lives, falls into one category or the other for us. The more you have on one side, the less you have on the other, ie: the more fear you have, the less faith you have. And both have the same power of manifestation in life because they both float in the realm of belief. If you fear something, you obviously believe it has weight or possibility of coming true. The same goes for faith, if you have faith in something, you obviously believe it without knowing it to be true and are unable to prove it to be true. So both lie in belief systems, and what we believe becomes real, it manifests. I choose faith over fear, across the board, from every angle of life, in every choice I seem to be presented with. Of course, I do fall short from time to time… But either way, life is not without irony, we are here to learn, no matter what we choose, outwardly, so we, in my belief, are often set up to lose, but I have, or should I say choose, faith that in the ways I lose or am proven a fool, it is what is meant for me, a gift of spirit for me to see, for me to end up exactly where I am supposed to be, smiling alongside the irony…
This morning, as we sat in the silence, the distance growing between us, I pictured her leaving, in the way loves end. I imagined it over, her giving up, on love, on us, on happiness and the work and growth it would take for her to reach that happiness, that ideal, an ideal I know as my own that she claims is hers the same, (but one never knows what another really sees inside.) I placed myself there in heart, if only for that moment to weigh the love, and the potential loss, to feel the pain it gave, to feel the fool, once again, to let go, to lose. It’s a fear I own, to put that faith into something and then eventually still end up alone. She’s the one. I believe this, wholeheartedly. But my way is balance, and to take something like this for granted, is not my way. She didn’t leave, and as I choose to believe we always will, we worked it out. But I had chosen, in that moment alone, to put myself there, in that place, as if she had left, kind of masochistically, not through some addiction to the pain it would bring, but as a way to ground myself, that what I believe is only that, what I believe… It’s faith, simply. I am still making the same mistakes I have always made. She could easily one day, walk away. And as every time before, for the same reasons, my heart would break.
From Faith Above
And one day he woke from a dream
And already her face had escaped
And already her face had escaped
From his memory
But he recalled her scent
And the meaning of her essence
And contemplated all that it meant
It was in this place he could not describe
He felt at home, more so than life
And she whispered in his sleep
Occasionally bled for him too deep
One day they'd wake to find they waited way too long
And within moments of meeting
But he recalled her scent
And the meaning of her essence
And contemplated all that it meant
It was in this place he could not describe
He felt at home, more so than life
And she whispered in his sleep
Occasionally bled for him too deep
One day they'd wake to find they waited way too long
And within moments of meeting
Would both know just where they belonged
On another plane, their souls were home
But it was here that they were shown
Just what it meant to know love
Delivered below from faith above
And the road behind seemed so hard
But they realized it was only now, that it would start
Because only now, had they found their hearts
© 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn
Indulgence
There’s a small piece, a fraction
Something that has yet to transcend it
It’s this place that’s dangerous
That sleeps with writhing contempt and bitterness
This bleeding heart is weak
It possesses the inability to fear loss
Like that of the meek
I know all that I’m capable of
As this fear festers below all the lofty above
I could end a life
As easily as I could, for another, give my own
And although I might have some trouble sleeping
I recall that most often, I do anyway
In fact, maybe only then
I’d be able to sleep
There’d be no hope for me
In myself, I’d resign
Finally given in to the truth
That I never have been
Nor could I ever be anything more than slime
Somehow, without trying, it seems justified
I don’t have to reason it out
Nor throw it back, forth, or about
I see them, these people
Born rich, into laziness, indulgence
And wasted intelligence
On irrational fears, greed
And the manipulation of circumstance
Born of souls who they themselves
Are the children of ultimate indulgence
When does one born here
Ever come to contemplate transcendence?
Yet there’s this little part of me that aspires
To these levels of comfort
Why?
We all want it easy, don’t we?
We’d bargain it out
And offer to give some back
But even then, no matter how much
If ever I were to give
It could never be enough…
I have always lived in these extremes
In my mind at least...
Panning temperatures of greed
And through the day to day, I’d balance it
I’d shine through the mirroring of it
This deeper side of me exists
And I see without question, the limits
Of my own tolerance
And I know that I could kill
As simply as I’d know it would be wrong
But I don’t know what exactly that means,
To be “wrong” today… in this day…
It’s like knowing what it means to be strong
Because strength is rarely an answer
When heartache creeps in like the cancer
It’s simply another tool
Cherished by us, the fools
Like these concepts of wrong and right
When what it all comes down to is power, might
Separating the ways of the world as clearly as day and night
And again, we hold onto them like fools
Not truly understanding who made it up
Or from where exactly came these rules…
I’m weak
And I’m tempted… daily
Desires to burn it all down
Praying something will come
To flush it all away
A tidal wave
A hurricane
An earthquake
Maybe I just see too much
Maybe that’s the basis of my grudge
I already know I’m a fool
But sometimes that isn’t enough
It’s so easy for so many
To turn their eyes another way
To look forward and see,
(maybe just a little daydream)
What you yourself could have one day
People are starving
And people are suffering
And people are dying
But they’ll always do that anyway
Regardless of whether I’m rich or poor
Regardless of whether we have less or more
Right?
There are so many ways to justify it
“We’re all slaves”
Paying some form of rent everyday
The cards we’re dealt
We know them all too well
It just doesn’t seem fair
But, who am I, to care?
If one day, it were to end that way
I’m sure being me, strange as it is to see
I’d drown or at least swim in the regret
But I’d remember after all, that where you are
Is always just about as good as it gets…
As always, its this voice in my heart
Reminding me, repeatedly, we are all from this same start
And there are many roads along the path
Including, like these desires, the roads of wrath
And before I cast these stones
I’m again reminded of my own
Concepts of need
Like these other six deadly sins
Pride, sloth, envy, lust, gluttony and greed
How much better am I than them?
Trading theirs for my own sins
I realize, once again
It’s not only ok, but required
To give in…
ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn
Something that has yet to transcend it
It’s this place that’s dangerous
That sleeps with writhing contempt and bitterness
This bleeding heart is weak
It possesses the inability to fear loss
Like that of the meek
I know all that I’m capable of
As this fear festers below all the lofty above
I could end a life
As easily as I could, for another, give my own
And although I might have some trouble sleeping
I recall that most often, I do anyway
In fact, maybe only then
I’d be able to sleep
There’d be no hope for me
In myself, I’d resign
Finally given in to the truth
That I never have been
Nor could I ever be anything more than slime
Somehow, without trying, it seems justified
I don’t have to reason it out
Nor throw it back, forth, or about
I see them, these people
Born rich, into laziness, indulgence
And wasted intelligence
On irrational fears, greed
And the manipulation of circumstance
Born of souls who they themselves
Are the children of ultimate indulgence
When does one born here
Ever come to contemplate transcendence?
Yet there’s this little part of me that aspires
To these levels of comfort
Why?
We all want it easy, don’t we?
We’d bargain it out
And offer to give some back
But even then, no matter how much
If ever I were to give
It could never be enough…
I have always lived in these extremes
In my mind at least...
Panning temperatures of greed
And through the day to day, I’d balance it
I’d shine through the mirroring of it
This deeper side of me exists
And I see without question, the limits
Of my own tolerance
And I know that I could kill
As simply as I’d know it would be wrong
But I don’t know what exactly that means,
To be “wrong” today… in this day…
It’s like knowing what it means to be strong
Because strength is rarely an answer
When heartache creeps in like the cancer
It’s simply another tool
Cherished by us, the fools
Like these concepts of wrong and right
When what it all comes down to is power, might
Separating the ways of the world as clearly as day and night
And again, we hold onto them like fools
Not truly understanding who made it up
Or from where exactly came these rules…
I’m weak
And I’m tempted… daily
Desires to burn it all down
Praying something will come
To flush it all away
A tidal wave
A hurricane
An earthquake
Maybe I just see too much
Maybe that’s the basis of my grudge
I already know I’m a fool
But sometimes that isn’t enough
It’s so easy for so many
To turn their eyes another way
To look forward and see,
(maybe just a little daydream)
What you yourself could have one day
People are starving
And people are suffering
And people are dying
But they’ll always do that anyway
Regardless of whether I’m rich or poor
Regardless of whether we have less or more
Right?
There are so many ways to justify it
“We’re all slaves”
Paying some form of rent everyday
The cards we’re dealt
We know them all too well
It just doesn’t seem fair
But, who am I, to care?
If one day, it were to end that way
I’m sure being me, strange as it is to see
I’d drown or at least swim in the regret
But I’d remember after all, that where you are
Is always just about as good as it gets…
As always, its this voice in my heart
Reminding me, repeatedly, we are all from this same start
And there are many roads along the path
Including, like these desires, the roads of wrath
And before I cast these stones
I’m again reminded of my own
Concepts of need
Like these other six deadly sins
Pride, sloth, envy, lust, gluttony and greed
How much better am I than them?
Trading theirs for my own sins
I realize, once again
It’s not only ok, but required
To give in…
ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn
Put it away
"You got your game, made your shot
And you got away with a lot, but I'm not
turned on.. so put away that meat you're selling
'Cause I do know what's good for me
And I've done what I could for you
But you're not benefiting
And yet I'm sitting, singing again.."
Chatter
Her eyes chatter
As her beak chatters
As her limbs chatter
Chatter, chatter, chatter
She speaks, and speaks, and cheeps
As her feathers reappear
Rebuilding …growing strong
She’s been grounded
For flying without true reason
Into a storm her wings weren’t strong enough for
The pretty bird with a broken wing
She’s dying to believe in someone’s words
Dying to believe in her own
Dying…
The little things, she thinks
Even the fleeting images
Trying to find ground
Or better yet
A wind that will lift her… again into flight
She comes to me
At night, mostly
She shares me for tiny moments
Indulges me
And I sit, watching, admiring, knowingly
Pulled in, again, once too often
I’m a fixture, a possibility
For moments only
Moments that come and go
And often, come again
I remain, still, steady
Even as I understand that she’s anything but ready
She becomes antagonized, airs false insecurities
Jealousies she might care about
Were she there, in heart…
I diffuse what I can
And let the rest float away
Let myself float away
Its 5am
She’s here, asleep
I’m awake, dreaming
But why am I here?
I often forget to ask myself this question
Am I waiting for something?
For her… possibly?
To fall in love with me?
And what then, my old friend?
As if…
This isn’t even a rebound, it’s a backup
And you’re it…
Know it will end no other way…
So, should I try for all I can get?
No… I’m not built that way
And therefore I’ll have no regret, either way
I’ve learned how to abandon the idea of loss
When I don’t understand it
And especially, when I do
ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn
Little
She’s crying. I’m angry. I’ve hurt her with my words. She hurts me, in turn, with hers. She doesn’t understand what it is I’ve said, but that’s now irrelevant… …I understand. I give in, and admit what it is I want because I want her to know, outwardly. It’s still not enough. She wants my silence. But we both want something, don’t we? We want to be understood, to be held… but it takes too much, to admit this grudge. But we’re both too strong, too controlling, too proud. We’re both ready to walk away, we both do. We both return. This little love grows, as does the fear, fear of this being a sign of more to come. But we’re both quite dumb. Both unwilling to let go, to trust, to love. She commands dignity, an apology, something else, the magic to heal a wound that won’t come. We both fall short… of our expectations. There is no common ground, unfortunately. I name the reasons to walk away, and I do, again, and yes, yet again. I watch her imitate the same actions. This silly game, she calls, I call, but here, we are. And I ache, I can admit this, its simple really, really simple. And again, my mind, my heart, floats, to where I see it all… everything tells me to walk away, tells her to walk away. It’s so easy this way. And maybe I should. And maybe I do. But I’m left like this, where it matters, most. I want her. I want to love her, to kiss her, to hold her, to protect her… But none of this is enough. The tears are enough. I’ll wave goodbye, with your tears in my eye. But it’s not what I want. It’s just what I’ve got. And no matter how much I’d like to, we won’t turn back. I could justify all that I’ve said or done. I can hear her do the same. It’s all righteous, worthy, who could argue? But it’s not enough for me, and I somehow doubt, it’s enough for you. But I’ll take them the same, I did, play along with this game…
But it was never what I wanted.
ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn
ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn
Saturn Descends
So as you can well see below you, this is quite the long (and fyi, personally deep & involved) piece…. In fact it’s really more of a journal entry than anything else… So if you’re only quasi-interested, or looking for a short, light (hahah, as if..), or humorous read, I would suggest reading another of my blogs… lol And for those of you who actually choose to read all of this crap, strap on your seatbelt..
So I was out with a new friend recently, and she was not only able to perceive (that was the easy part) but also, freely, point out to me, that she picked up on my uncomfortable-ness. I appreciate this sort of thing, immensely, because by bringing something out into the open, some of its power over us is lost… You know, the ‘what you resist, persists’ kind of thing… Anyway, I realized it was time for me to really dive into and exorcize this ever-existing energy in me, from me. It’s been there for at least the last two years, and had evolved from another mind-state. Since my x-fiancée and I broke up over a year and a half ago and around the time of a close friend’s bachelor party and wedding 2 Septembers ago, I’ve had this urge to crawl into a cave and not come out again until it was all over. It was this unbearable witnessing, knowing, that all of my actions, and feelings were completely transparent to all those around me, but not only transparent, awkwardly distorted as well, no matter how much I tried to keep lids on them. Even those who didn’t have the capacity or interest enough to see them clearly, transparently, all they could or needed to see was the disconnectedness in me, the weirdness…
I’m going to be 31 in less than 3 weeks, and, according to the Saturn return theory, if you buy into it, and astrology, which I personally feel is impossible to ignore, much less discredit, then I should just be coming out of this karmic tunnel. Saturn is believed by astrologers to be the planet representing karmic energy. Saturn takes approximately 30 years to orbit the sun one time. So around the time you turn 29, and through to the time you turn 31, Saturn is ascending, reaching, hitting, and then exiting its exact coordinates of where it was at the time when your soul, along with all its karmic attachments, fears, issues, etc, entered your body, when you were conceived, incubated, and born. So the Saturn return supposedly manifests for you, in you, around you, all the little, and, not so little, fears, and life path issues you carry inside you. Many of which you aren’t even aware you have… until they manifest, outwardly. I learned most of this from a very dear and old friend as well as confidante, who is also a psychic healer, and very much studied in astrology. Tool’s song “The Grudge” is also about this concept, this theory, (and anyone who knows me knows how I am when it comes to Maynard’s writings.) I did some research on my own as well, but I only started buying into this shit deeply when I bought into it (literally). I went to astrology.com and paid for my ‘real you report’ and after reading a 30pg document about me, supposedly, and there wasn’t one fucking thing in it that wasn’t completely accurate, I became a believer. It does get you thinking about free will though… If something as seemingly insignificant as the time, date, and place you were born, can interpret, and dictate the entire essence of a persons being, and the course of their life, even 30 years after the fact, then free will must be a lie… so he contemplated… Well, I almost thought that. I’ve since bridged the contradiction and believe it’s just a bit misunderstood, generally speaking. I believe now that our souls have the free will, but our bodies, and our lives are simply pawns of our souls… well maybe… at least…
Anyway, enough of the background info and back to the meat of the matter, my Saturn return and (more importantly) my era of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I broke it off with my former fiancée over a year and a half ago, after a really rough, and rocky relationship of 2 ½ years, with the final straw being her going home with another guy the night of my company Christmas party (spiteful bitch… lol), A humongous fear, manifested for me… Not that I don’t share any responsibility in the actions that led up to her choice, but it was still her choice, so, so be it (she’s also 30 as her birthday is 2 weeks away from mine so I know she’s been dealing with her own demons throughout the past 2 years, probably worse I assume, because she’s generally, and typically unrelentingly, unwilling to face the majority of what her mirrors hold), but whatever, this isn’t about her, I’m going off in little side rants and I’ve already exorcized that demon. Since she and I split, I’ve moved in and out of brief relations with other women (and little girls..) and throughout each of them, I’ve noticed the continuous thread of my own uncomfortable-ness. It’s manifested itself a little differently with each one, depending on the combined energies, I assume, but it was there throughout, often physically, but always mentally, cerebrally, and definitely emotionally… But this uncomfortable-ness wasn’t only in the romantic side of my life, it permeated everything, my relations with almost everyone, at times, at least…
Confidence isn’t really something I struggle with, internally. I’m a Leo, whatever that means, but it’s true, stereotypically. I know what, and who, I am inside, and I love myself, for the most part. I very much like who I am, even in the rough times, but external confidence is where, for the last couple years, it’s gotten tricky. I don’t think I’m like most people. I often don’t feel like I belong here. I laugh equally as often reminding myself of the ‘bell theory’ from psychology, to bring myself back down to earth, but regardless, it’s true. I just typically don’t feel there are many people that I can connect to, truly, on my level. I can connect to many people, easily, on other levels, their levels, their understandings, but there are extremely few people that I connect to on my level. I can only think of 3 at the moment. I’m sure there are more, but that’s all I can think of… Jesus, I sound like a pompous ass right now, fuck, I guess I better contemplate that next, huh? But I don’t mean it as bad as it may sound and here’s why. I generally tend not to show people I meet all of what I am, especially over the past couple years, because it feels like I’ve been, in my life, in the middle of a karmic storm, and I’ve simply been trying to weather it, learn from it, and take as much as I can from it in order to grow, to be the real me that I came here to be, to make less mistakes, and to simply be happy, and live my life according to what’s really inside me. And I’m sure that that plays a part in the fact that I don’t connect to many people, easily, on my level. But outwardly, this has all manifested as awkwardness, uncomfortable-ness, and when I try to project my inner confidence outward, it just comes across all fuct up, like its overconfidence, or the big bad Leo ego trying to show off. I suppose I should say fuck trying, in general, but I’m simply trying to be me… “And when I can, I will…” (thx billy) It goes so much deeper than all this but I feel as though I’ve babbled enough as it is…
Whatever, about a year or so before this Saturn return era kicked in, my mother died, unexpectedly, out of nowhere. And I went into a serious state of depression, not only from losing her and losing that piece of her energy that had lived inside of me, but mainly because of seeing mortality in a new, differently, disturbing way. My own mortality hit me, in a very real, and again unexpected way. I became truly afraid of death, and I had always felt I had quite the comfortable little relationship with Mr. Death. Nor did I ever allow my fears, especially general type fears, to get the best of me. If and when I’d ever been afraid of anything, I’d simply, quickly, dive into it, knowing that would purge the actual fear. I’ve learned that our fears are always much worse when festering inside of us than when they actually manifest. But this fear also came out of nowhere, like her death. I realized that all of the choices I made in my life were all based on what I believed in, spiritually, but in recently having lost my mother, and physically sensed the removal of her energy that was inside of me almost rip away when she died, I began to question, to realize, that maybe I needed to question all that I believed in, because my life and everything in it, all of my choices, were based and made, around these little beliefs that I, nor anyone, had no real proof were true. There was nothing I could use to consciously believe that these things I’d previously believed were, in fact, the way life, and death, really worked. And if all I believed in could simply, easily, even probably, be wrong, then I could quite possibly be wasting my life, basing it and all its choices on my other worldly spiritual beliefs that were more than likely way off. So, quite naturally, I had developed a deeply rooted fear of death, of the eternally unknown. I dwelled this way for I’d say somewhere a little over a year from the time the manifestation of this actually hit me. Throughout that time, I connected to no one, not my girlfriend at the time, not my family, not my closest friends. I guess I needed to hit that bottom, and in turn, bring it back around full circle, but this time with true emotional, physical, not simply spiritual, or intellectual faith. A quote from Shawn Smith, “And I am not afraid to die, for how could we be free, if all we ever knew was this world in ocean blue” became my mantra of that moment, that era.
So I seemed to have made it out of that era just in time for my Saturn return to hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest, lucky me! But I guess everything happens for a reason, I believe that (physically now…). Who knows where I would have ended up had certain timing been different… So the past 3 years of my life have been quite the interesting spiral, I am starting to believe, only now, that it wasn’t a downward one after all... So for those of you who have been in my presence or only met me throughout these turbulent times, and were able to perceive something going on, cerebrally, behind these eyes, this was most likely, almost undoubtedly, the gist of it. Also considering that for just about exactly the last 10 mos, the final 10 mos of this Saturn return, I have been hibernating, literally, almost from the larger field of life. I’d quit my job, entered no serious relationships, and was living in my head, in my writing, and in my apartment solely, soully, mostly, to the point that I think my apartment has actually gained weight – the weight of my unending, heavy, thoughts and energy… I suppose I pretty much did crawl into a cave and not come out again until it was all over… But now I can sense, I can feel, a new era of my life beginning. I start a new job tomorrow that I’m pretty excited about. I am coming to terms with the final elements that the wisdom of this era has shown me, and reflected within. My 1st book is almost finished, and… tomorrow truly is a promise to no one. I’m sure these last few weeks of Saturn’s descent will hold a couple more cute little surprises… I’m not arrogant enough to assume anything less… but I am smiling….
Every moment is another… and a sense of humor is truly everything…
Pompous Political Pouting
Who I’d Like To Meet: Self absorbed parasites who take themselves way too fuckin’ seriously... of course! (smell the sarcasm) Small minds, Closed minds, Those who pride themselves in ignorance, Henry Kissenger, J. Edgar Hoover, George H. Bush, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Jeb Bush, Katherine Harris, Clayton Roberts, Ken Starr, Jesse Helms, Condoleeza Rice, Rupert Murdoch, Anne Coulter, Bill O’Reilly, Monica Lewinski, Ron Silver, Tom Selleck, John Wayne, The ‘city of brotherly loving murderers’ and 90% of it’s inhabitants who tend to either be gangster wannabes or trend-sters who’ve actually convinced themselves that they are being expressive rather than the fact that they’re indeed following hip little trends, Followers, Cults, Born agains (take your 'Revelations' TV series and 'Left Behind' propaganda with you), Jesus Freaks, Bible Thumpers, Jerry Falwell, Organized Religions, Officers of the law that steal their horses’ blinders, Indulgent addictive personality types, The medicated who can face the world but can't face the mirror, Pfizer and all of its competitors in the pharmaceutical marketing industry, Closet whores, Any and absolutely all Reality TV, Mindless minx’s sporting Botox or Breast implants (shake what your good lord God gave you, you soulless whore), Anna Nicole Smith, Paula Jones, Paris Hilton and all her clones, Juliya and all hers, Jocks, Meatheads, Inbred wastes who still actually use the term ‘your mom,’ People with so much of nothing else that they find humor in the falls of others (it does make you feel better about your empty self, doesn’t it?), Lawyers & Lawsuits, Real Estate agents, Insurance Execs, The middle or upper-middleclass (and striving) 'conservative' hypocrites who naively convince themselves they'll attain protected status along side the elite 1 percentile, Racists, Homophobes, Liars, Mayor Bloomberg, Sean Hannity, The entire Fox Network, Spoon fed & sound asleep american dipshits sporting nametags like conservative ~ liberal ~ democrat ~ and republican ~ its about money and power ~ you have it or you want it ~ wake the fuck up or shut the fuck up!, Victimized Feminists (talk about an oxy moron) - Your Excuses Are Your Own!, Those in utter denial, The cinco de mayo syndrome, 5 dollar word entrepreneurs, and lastly, witty wannabes who come up with mindless and meaningless words & phrases and then paragraph them together… All of you need to just go back to hell - you filth ridden spawn of the coming Armageddon… Learn to fucking swim!
Hunger
I wanna fuck! I mean like Hardcore Fuck! Sweat, bodies slapping, belt in action, wet spots all over the sheets, I mean like tear it fucking loose... I have all this excess energy. I don't know if it’s from the summer heat or what. I haven't even been eating, really. And when I do eat, its only because I feel like I'm supposed to, not because I'm actually hungry. I've gone days without eating, and without even realizing it, lately. This heat is burning me inside, and I want it, I don’t care. I haven't been turning on the AC except when people come over, only because I feel as though I should be a good host. Plus when it is on, I feel like I'm in a cave, now I love my little mental caves but I can tell that is NOT what I need right now. I haven't been sleeping all that much, I can't. I go to bed 2, 3, 4 in the morning and I'm up by 9 every day, or the first time my eyes actually crack open, sometimes its 7. I can't stay asleep. I have too much energy. I can feel all this excess fire in me, its like its surrounding me, almost suffocating me. I run around my apartment in circles trying to shake it off. I go out & down to the park at the east river under the Triboro and run, sweat, as long as I can, just to bleed it out. I can do twice as many push ups, at least, as I normally can without an interruption and I still spring up off my feet when I'm done. I'm losing weight without trying to, without even wanting to.. Its seriously fucking with me, freaking me out! This animal within is craving something else, something primal, like I seriously need to fuck like a beast. I haven’t HARDCORE FUCKED in over 2 months, I've had 'yeah yeah yeah’ sex but that just aint gonna cut it right now. I need hardcore, sweat dripping from my chin, 6 loads dropped and still going strong, energizer bunny bang bang bang to the beat of that drum, crazy, passionate, I wanna fuck you like an animal, kinky ass, hardcore fucking animalistic insanity… Like someone riding me with my dick in her ass, hair flying around, hands on heart (hahah), fucking sick craziness… I can’t even jerk off because that would just be me sitting there with my cock in my hand. What the fuck!!!!! AHHH… I'm not sorry, I'm not a pervert, don't start any of that righteous bullshit with me, I'll slice you up, quick like, don't act like you've never felt that hunger, that need to let loose, to push it out, to sweat like a pig… This aint some macho man manifesto 'I need to get laid' rant. This is fucking real, thoughts, fire, poured out to paper (or computer)… I'm not asking for takers, just back up and absorb the reality of the fact that human beings are still, and essentially primal animals… And every so often, we remember that, physically…
Clarity
I’s like its all for show, I see it
The entire world and everything beyond pulls apart in front of me
And underneath it all is a giant web
Made of strings, structured like mist, barely able to perceive
It’s everywhere, behind me, around me, within me
And as if I were frozen in the middle of it
Hanging, suspended, as if on some sort of hook
I can witness its structure in every direction
After a few moments, upon its having been absorbed
It pulls back together, slowly
Piece by piece
And I watch each piece fit itself in
Everything in its right place
I can see how each place and moment were built
Each motivation, what lies within each of them
And everything makes sense, everything
Every reason is transparent
The words float in front of me
As if each were hung by, on, these strings, this web
And I can see all that relates to me
And easily, more importantly, what doesn’t
It’s clarity…
All the little lies
Any little frames hung for show
And everything is beautiful
Because in here, there is no ego
Every single space in the entire world and beyond
Is held where it is, by this web
And each space has its own shape
These shapes are defined by their reason, their purpose
Theses reasons shape the structures
And like hooks, they’re placed upon their rightful place
Every whisper, every word
Every emotion, every hurt
And as I hang there, as if on this hook
My mind sees something resembling a map
And I know it is laid out for me
I watch the shapes fit together
By and with everything that relates to me
And I can see it as I can see everything
With clarity
ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn
Purposely Prudish
Let’s get something straight
Yes, I probably want to fuck you
But, only because you’re beautiful…
But, I’m not fucking you…
Do I want to be your friend?
Well, friendship takes time
And most often, like-minded lives
So let’s just say that I’m interested in getting to know you
Does that mean I’ll fuck you?
Well, that depends…
You see, I’m a Leo
It’s pretty simple really
We have admirers… many… usually…
Don’t hate!
It’s not an ego thing, it’s just how we’re built
Every sign has its things
You Virgos are all righteously politically correct
You Aquarians are closet little control freaks
You Cancers are clingy little crabs who internally hate that about yourselves
You Sags are calculating little strategists
You Libras are neurotic little aspiring intellectuals
You like these things about the people you like
Because you understand it’s just how they’re built
And us Leo’s NEED to know we’re wanted
We’re darling, and yes, we know it
But that’s not quite enough
We want it to be worthy
We not only need to know we’re wanted
But we need to feel interested, piqued
So if you fancy a Leo
But aren’t ready to fuck him
You needn’t worry about him trying to fuck you
You simply need to show him you’re not willing to
And he won’t want it… trust me!
But, be somewhat careful if you’re considering fucking him down the line
Or simply, and genuinely enjoy his presence
We get discouraged, easily (siwwy prwoud wittle wions)
And generally tend to pounce on over to the next admiring kitten
But as soon as you put on that cute little purposely-prudish prance
You can let go of your defenses, immediately
Because, we aint fuckin’ ya
You can sleep on the couch
But we aint fuckin’ ya
You can sleep butt-ass-neked next to us, spooning
And we still aint fuckin’ ya
You can wake me up with the starts of a blowjob
And I promise ya, I aint fuckin’ ya
Pretty much until you forcefully rape me
I AINT fuckin’ ya
But even then, it’s no promise…
Now, that’s a way to make sure a Leo likes your personality
If you’re still hanging out
For days, weeks, months… even years
Sounds like you got a loyal lion interested in you
Genuinely… No strings… No matter how attractive you are…
Now that sounds like a friendship
So remember, the purposely-prudish thing works
If that’s what you want
Or even if/when you don’t know what the hell you want
(Don’t take that negatively now, we know how neurotic you little nymphs can be…)
Personally, I think it’s adorable (in a very real way)
It’s possibly even respectable (like, whoa…)
Not that anyone really wants to work that hard
But that’s just the point
No one Does really work that hard
They give up and stop caring about that precious little pink of yours
They just get real and hang out genuinely because they enjoy you
And as fiery and passionate as us big pussycats can get
There’s nothing like a little flavor savor…
Now is there?
ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn
Yes, I probably want to fuck you
But, only because you’re beautiful…
But, I’m not fucking you…
Do I want to be your friend?
Well, friendship takes time
And most often, like-minded lives
So let’s just say that I’m interested in getting to know you
Does that mean I’ll fuck you?
Well, that depends…
You see, I’m a Leo
It’s pretty simple really
We have admirers… many… usually…
Don’t hate!
It’s not an ego thing, it’s just how we’re built
Every sign has its things
You Virgos are all righteously politically correct
You Aquarians are closet little control freaks
You Cancers are clingy little crabs who internally hate that about yourselves
You Sags are calculating little strategists
You Libras are neurotic little aspiring intellectuals
You like these things about the people you like
Because you understand it’s just how they’re built
And us Leo’s NEED to know we’re wanted
We’re darling, and yes, we know it
But that’s not quite enough
We want it to be worthy
We not only need to know we’re wanted
But we need to feel interested, piqued
So if you fancy a Leo
But aren’t ready to fuck him
You needn’t worry about him trying to fuck you
You simply need to show him you’re not willing to
And he won’t want it… trust me!
But, be somewhat careful if you’re considering fucking him down the line
Or simply, and genuinely enjoy his presence
We get discouraged, easily (siwwy prwoud wittle wions)
And generally tend to pounce on over to the next admiring kitten
But as soon as you put on that cute little purposely-prudish prance
You can let go of your defenses, immediately
Because, we aint fuckin’ ya
You can sleep on the couch
But we aint fuckin’ ya
You can sleep butt-ass-neked next to us, spooning
And we still aint fuckin’ ya
You can wake me up with the starts of a blowjob
And I promise ya, I aint fuckin’ ya
Pretty much until you forcefully rape me
I AINT fuckin’ ya
But even then, it’s no promise…
Now, that’s a way to make sure a Leo likes your personality
If you’re still hanging out
For days, weeks, months… even years
Sounds like you got a loyal lion interested in you
Genuinely… No strings… No matter how attractive you are…
Now that sounds like a friendship
So remember, the purposely-prudish thing works
If that’s what you want
Or even if/when you don’t know what the hell you want
(Don’t take that negatively now, we know how neurotic you little nymphs can be…)
Personally, I think it’s adorable (in a very real way)
It’s possibly even respectable (like, whoa…)
Not that anyone really wants to work that hard
But that’s just the point
No one Does really work that hard
They give up and stop caring about that precious little pink of yours
They just get real and hang out genuinely because they enjoy you
And as fiery and passionate as us big pussycats can get
There’s nothing like a little flavor savor…
Now is there?
ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn
Security
You know what it is. It’s an addiction, to an idea, mostly. I know that we all strive for this thing, this concept, this object, considered a noun, but a thing none of us can touch… security. It’s an idea, a concept, but its classified as a noun in this context.
Me, I’m aware, of its lies, its fallacies, of the fact that security is like, a hope, a belief that the things we do will somehow protect the things we have from being taken from us, from losing them. But I don’t believe that my actions serve as any real sort of protection from loss. Most of the time, I don’t even believe in loss, but that’s just a belief anyhow, so who cares? I don’t believe in security. I think people who do are fucking blind, but then again, I’m sure people think I’m blind for some of the shit I believe in. But there’s this one difference.. maybe.. I am fully aware that there is no proof to anything I believe. I’ll never know if anything I believe in is true until the day I fucking die, if, and, at best, then, and only then. I choose to believe in all I believe in because it’s the only choice I have, if I want to stay here... I’ve too often, in my past, come too fucking close to the edge of that abyss and if, or maybe I should say while, I choose to stick around, I have to believe that there is something worth believing in, or hoping for. Otherwise, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but Imma bounce the fuck out. I feel also too often that I was born on the wrong fucking planet as it is. And if all these little concepts, dreams, hope, even these pathetic little tasteless fantasies, truly are impossible, even for fleeting moments, then there is no fucking reason for me to be here. And I can die with that, because for long enough, I’ve lived with it. Hope is a foolish, and dangerous thing, but like any risk in this world, the rewards match the risk, and I’m (currently) willing to take that risk in hope, or belief, for that equally matching moment that I’ve seen in my dreams. That moment that stretches like a photograph across something that resembles the meaning of my life. As if I had something to say and was able to articulate it, and that defined my life, my existence, my heart, my souls love, out into this world. Jesus, I hope this isn’t for nothing, what a waste all of this effort would have been…
“Don't open your eyes, you won't like what you see
The devils of truth steal the souls of the free
Don't open your eyes, take it from me
I have found you can find happiness is slavery
Don't open your eyes, you won't like what you see
The blind have been blessed with security
Don't open your eyes, take it from me
I have found you can find happiness is slavery
I don't know what I am, I don't know where I've been
Human junk just words and so much skin
Stick my hands thru the cage of this endless routine
Just some flesh caught in this big broken machine”
So, quoting Trent (thx), security, and those who search for it, strive for it, live for it, believing that what they’ve built wont be taken from them by investing in security, think it over, maybe, if only for a moment. I say, for myself at least, embrace insecurity, be aware, take nothing for granted, hope, but do not believe that your actions, your efforts, are worth that much. Nothing is trivial, but the heart has to speak through those actions in order for those actions to not matter if or when they’ve turned out to be fruitless. I know the futility of all my actions, and how I choose to act bleeds from my heart, it literally bleeds. So I have little to no regret when I act without any ambition. I am an insecure person. I admit this. I am almost proud of it, actually, but I’ll waste little time on something as ignorant as pride. I am also strong, but strength is rarely an answer to choices like these. Strength is a tool. Insecurity is real, its freedom, pure awareness, like the baby who relies so much on its environment. We are weak, we need, we fool ourselves with our actions, with out aspirations, with our pride. They’re all lies. What’s real? Listen to a grown man cry for his mommy when he’s lying, dying, bleeding to death with a knife, or a bullet, buried, in his belly. Anything can happen, live, and act with heart, and no matter what happens, whatever you feel you lose, you’ll have no regret. We value pride and we devalue insecurity. Last I recalled, pride was one of the 7 deadly sins… That shows how backwards our society is from the truth of our hearts.
One day, this may serve as a testament for the voice of my heart, my love, and all that these short years I’ve wandered have bled. Its not so bad this way, even when it is.
Sweet Tooth
Its simple, really
This sweet tooth in me
This something I often choose to hide
...stupid reasons ...as if there were anything
This sweet tooth in me
This something I often choose to hide
...stupid reasons ...as if there were anything
To lose
A stare
Like stopping the world
If only for a moment
You can feel it, what's possible
And I ache, even as I smile
I breathe in so deeply
My toes tingle
It has to be real
Every word that's uttered
reflecting what I feel
© 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn
On Our Own
So I wake up this morning from a dream where I’d driven to this girl from MySpace’s house that I’ve never even spoken to, really. I mean she’s one of my ‘friends’ but everyone knows how that goes. She’s fine, beautiful in fact, but she’s also insane… not that this is not a relative concept, but whatever…
Its early afternoon and I pull up to this apartment complex in my beige 70’s Dodge shadow. (I don’t even own a car… not sure exactly what that’s supposed to represent…) I knock on the screen door, as the main door was open. I see her in there. She’s on the phone, some sort of business, some appointment reschedule or some shit. She waves me in, and gestures with her finger for me to hold on a minute until she’s off the phone. I can see the look in her eyes like, “what are you doing here or what do you want?” I’m wondering why she’s let me in so easily, considering she doesn’t really know me and I doubt she really remembers who I am. She’s on the phone for a while. She’s really tall and I become intimidated. I didn’t realize she was this tall.
Her cat comes along and I start to stroke it. The cat falls in love with me, purring loudly, which I know looks good to her. She walks out to the walkway in front of the apartments. I follow, as does the cat still at my shins. I kneel down again and keep stroking the cat. She’s still on the phone watching me with her cat. She hangs up the phone finally and asks me, “Who are you? I know you, right? What are you doing here?”
I tell her who I am, “You’re so freely giving of your info and address on your page that I thought fuck it, it’s on my way and it’d be good for me to do something spontaneous. I’m on my way down to south jersey for some family shit so I decided to stop by to meet you in person. Plus, you’ve got so many admirers on MySpace that it’d be close to impossible to make any sort of noticeable impression.” She laughs at this and I’m comfortable in my actions… I adapt the mentality to just assume the game already to be lost and have fun with it all, lost = nothing to lose.
Her neighbor from upstairs comes down on his way out and she rolls her eyes at him. She proceeds to tell me he’s a freak… I recognize him somehow but I’m not sure from where. We talk for a while longer and I’m fascinated by how beautiful she is but especially by her piercing eyes. She’s taken aback, fascinated by my ‘pass the salt’ way of relaying ‘un’conventional thoughts or perceptions. (That’s right, it’s my dream and I can be as cool and irresistible as my subconscious fucking wants to be…) We’re starting to connect, but I’m still intimidated, ever so slightly. I’m hiding it rather well though. The phone rings again and the look on her face is like “oh, no, don’t lose where we were” as she knows she has to answer it. I become relaxed, patient, inspired.
As she’s on the phone, her upstairs neighbor returns. He sees me sitting there alone and comes over to me, and starts talking. We realize we know each other from a skateboard company he’s a part owner in, and that the bass player from a band I used to manage is also a part owner. As we’re talking, I realize she was right. He is strange, and unconnected. He looks like Jack Black’s roommate in the movie, School of Rock. He tells me to come out to his car to check out some of his new designs. I oblige, just to be polite. We’re there a little while and there are people all over the place who know each other. It’s an oddly friendly busy little apartment complex. Before long I’m speaking to other people and she’s off the phone. She comes down to the lot and breaks my random conversations, unapologetically.
“Spend the day with me!” she smiles. “…Maybe even the weekend?” She winks.
“I can’t, it’s my nephew christening… I can’t bail on it. My sister will seriously NEVER speak to me again, no joke. I would honestly love nothing more though.”
Her arms are around my neck. She’s almost as tall as me and her eyes are so fierce that I don’t even realize she’s wrapped her legs around me. She’s hanging on to me like a monkey. She’s trying to convince me and I’m temporarily swayed, almost. I again tell her how much I want to but… how I can’t. She makes one last attempt and kisses me, hard… I’m loving every minute, every painful twist.. but I’m also thinking I may not get another chance. This girl seems quite the erratic one. I’m fascinated, I want to know.
“Fuck, I gotta go. There’s no way out of this.” I’ll have to take my chances, I think… as I hope she’ll give me another…
She squeezes my neck, then pushes me away and says “Alright, I’ll see you later…” I get it! Tomorrow is a promise to no one…
I awake. As I’m wiping the crud out of my eyes, I look at the clock and its after 11 (yes, my life rules). There’s a melody in my head, a song I recognize. It’s a cheesy song from the 80’s I think but I can’t finger it, yet. So I’m lying there, taking my sweet time before deciding its time to get my slackin’ ass up. I’m trying to recall more aspects of the dream. I roll out of bed finally, my knee is fucking killing me, I take a piss, everything is still cloudy from the morning blur. I flush, walk to the computer, turn it on, walk to the coffee maker, make some mud and it hits me…
“You want somethin' done? You gotta do it yourself
If I was you, and you were me, you oughta be winning
If you want something better, you gotta wanna keep your all
'Cause I believe, so much do we, they know we're not kidding
If you feel the same as me, girl, you gotta learn to take the fall
Now I find out that nothing is given
Don't know where the cards may fall
All I know is that we gotta get it
We've gotta make it on our own
Well I guess we're gonna have to take control (on our own)
If it's up to us, we've got to take it home (on our own)
Can't you see that all we need to be a go-getter
Gotta make your own decisions, gotta go for what ya know
There comes a time in our lives, you wanna be bigger
Gotta keep, keep on pushing, you gotta learn to take control, yeah
Well I guess we're gonna have to take control (on our own)
If it's up to us, we've got to take it home
Gotta, gotta, take it home, gotta, gotta, gotta take it home (on our own)
RAP: Too hot to handle, too cold to hold
They're called Ghostbusters and they're in control
Had 'em throwin' a party for a bunch of children
While all the while, Slimer's under the building
So they packed up the crew, got a grip came quick
Grabbed the coats, got the proton packs on they back, and they split
To battle out Viggo, the master of evil
Try to battle my boys? That's not legal ~END RAP
They're in control (Oh-we-oh) Y-Y-Ya know it, Y-Y-Ya know it
Well I guess we're gonna have to take control
Gotta, gotta, gotta...gotta, gotta, gotta (on our own)
If it's up to us, we've got to take it home
Too hot to handle, too cold to hold,
They're called Ghostbusters and they're in control (on our own)
Well I guess we're gonna have to take control...”
This dream is the kind of dream I have when I’m awake generally, daydreaming, or dozing off in my afternoon naps (damn, my life really kicks ass.) I call these little day dreams “tasteless fantasies,” basically because that’s what they are… fantasies where everything I want is handed to me in an effortless sloth… I get much from them though… Instead of beating myself up for being a loser, I take them and run with them, in my writing mostly, but also on occasion in life, if, and when, I’ve got the balls to..
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