I dont even know how to start this, or how to talk to you at all anymore. that aggravates me. its a shame that we don't even know who we are anymore, but such is life i suppose... i want you to know you're still in my heart. i want you to know that i still think about you daily almost and am always sending you love to where ever it is you are. you were such an integral part of me becoming who i am, who i always have been in my adult life.. you were an angel to me at so many points in my life that it actually hurts to think about where and who we are now, so far apart... but i am writing you now because i need you to know.
not that you know this, but i'm sorry it took me so long to forgive you and let go of the fact that you cheated on me with luis. it broke my heart when you came clean about that, and it was unfair of me to hold it against you given that you were doing the right thing in confessing it given that we so often called each other the other's best friend. but something in me broke there, i'd never suspected it with him back then or thereafter. a part of my hope and more importantly my faith was destroyed by it. my deep rooted age-old subconscious agreements that no one could fully be trusted, that no one was fully worthy of trust and faith was somehow re-confirmed. you, in so many parts of my life, were my angel, my vision of hope, and the source of my early adult life belief systems, and for that to come from left field shook my entire foundation, royally... thankfully so i suppose, we all need that from time to time. i can appreciate it that way now... now..... i suppose its embarrassing that its taken me this long to come clean about it, given that spiritually, even intellectually, I knew it to be wrong to hold such a thing against you, but there it was, and there was little i could do, the more i pushed it away, the more it manifest, and then the more angered and embarrassed i'd become about it. letting go, fully, is highly underrated, and oversimplified.. having a daughter helped me overcome it, helped me love the little mistakes, helped me realize all mistakes are little ones, even when they're your own...
i wish you were part of sofia's life. i wish things would have been different. i know, another tasteless fantasy, but it actually felt right to let you go. it actually made sense to me, to the point that i didn't really even question it. when you last reached out to me 2 years ago or so, via text, and i answered curtly but asked you if there was anything else you wanted to talk about and you quickly answered 'no' i was reassured that there was no resolve to be had by us talking further. i understood why you left me out of your important life choices and the small ones, as much as i could understand why i excluded you from mine.
but as you know, i'm not someone who is uncomfortable having contradictory ideas or emotions about the same thing, and you, my sweet succubus, and all you are, and ever were to me, coexist with your many selves in the pandora playlist box of my heart's heart. this is our kharma i guess, the representation of our limitations... i hated your husband. i mean, what a douche! i cant act like that wasn't part of it. his insecurities, especially about me, made him ugly, repulsive, and full of stink. not that i cant relate to those tendencies, and the compulsion to act upon them. but i saw him as vile. i have come to the point that i can forgive him, but only in the sense that i see him as lesser, which isn't very evolved of me, i know, but what can i say, as much as i pretend it, I'm not perfect and its times like these that i use that to my advantage. i always sensed that you weren't completely fond of my romantic choices either and that may have played a part in our release. if you happen upon the theory that couples end up like each other, acting more and more like the other, and becoming more and more the same person, then i can understand it even more, perhaps 'relate' might be the better word for the wording, as i started to see him in you, your comments, your responses, your snickers, and your loss of the milky way, and i knew i could be no third musketeer.. ha! okay, sorry, i couldn't resist...
in strive towards seriousness tho, i couldn't sit by for that. this place was as far as i could go by your side. it also broke my heart to see this ugliness appear in you. but most of all, and aside from the forking roads, i learned an error in my own ways, that of how the successful couples i knew were only successful longterm by being each others world, with no close 2nds, with no sort of competition with friends, family, and especially not friends who were once lovers. looking back now, i recall how you always knew this, even when you and i had 1st met, how you referred to tim or jerry but when it came down to choices, i never questioned where your heart would side. i commend you for this, although i still wish id not been such a conflict, but, so it goes, i accept this now. i knew how much you loved him, and although i still have difficulty understanding why, this is not something that requires my understanding, what matters is that it is your voice, your intuition, and your path, and i respect it. if you felt he needed me gone, then you made the right choice. i miss you maria. i forgive you. and i will see you again.
