So as you can well see below you, this is quite the long (and fyi, personally deep & involved) piece…. In fact it’s really more of a journal entry than anything else… So if you’re only quasi-interested, or looking for a short, light (hahah, as if..), or humorous read, I would suggest reading another of my blogs… lol And for those of you who actually choose to read all of this crap, strap on your seatbelt..
So I was out with a new friend recently, and she was not only able to perceive (that was the easy part) but also, freely, point out to me, that she picked up on my uncomfortable-ness. I appreciate this sort of thing, immensely, because by bringing something out into the open, some of its power over us is lost… You know, the ‘what you resist, persists’ kind of thing… Anyway, I realized it was time for me to really dive into and exorcize this ever-existing energy in me, from me. It’s been there for at least the last two years, and had evolved from another mind-state. Since my x-fiancée and I broke up over a year and a half ago and around the time of a close friend’s bachelor party and wedding 2 Septembers ago, I’ve had this urge to crawl into a cave and not come out again until it was all over. It was this unbearable witnessing, knowing, that all of my actions, and feelings were completely transparent to all those around me, but not only transparent, awkwardly distorted as well, no matter how much I tried to keep lids on them. Even those who didn’t have the capacity or interest enough to see them clearly, transparently, all they could or needed to see was the disconnectedness in me, the weirdness…
I’m going to be 31 in less than 3 weeks, and, according to the Saturn return theory, if you buy into it, and astrology, which I personally feel is impossible to ignore, much less discredit, then I should just be coming out of this karmic tunnel. Saturn is believed by astrologers to be the planet representing karmic energy. Saturn takes approximately 30 years to orbit the sun one time. So around the time you turn 29, and through to the time you turn 31, Saturn is ascending, reaching, hitting, and then exiting its exact coordinates of where it was at the time when your soul, along with all its karmic attachments, fears, issues, etc, entered your body, when you were conceived, incubated, and born. So the Saturn return supposedly manifests for you, in you, around you, all the little, and, not so little, fears, and life path issues you carry inside you. Many of which you aren’t even aware you have… until they manifest, outwardly. I learned most of this from a very dear and old friend as well as confidante, who is also a psychic healer, and very much studied in astrology. Tool’s song “The Grudge” is also about this concept, this theory, (and anyone who knows me knows how I am when it comes to Maynard’s writings.) I did some research on my own as well, but I only started buying into this shit deeply when I bought into it (literally). I went to astrology.com and paid for my ‘real you report’ and after reading a 30pg document about me, supposedly, and there wasn’t one fucking thing in it that wasn’t completely accurate, I became a believer. It does get you thinking about free will though… If something as seemingly insignificant as the time, date, and place you were born, can interpret, and dictate the entire essence of a persons being, and the course of their life, even 30 years after the fact, then free will must be a lie… so he contemplated… Well, I almost thought that. I’ve since bridged the contradiction and believe it’s just a bit misunderstood, generally speaking. I believe now that our souls have the free will, but our bodies, and our lives are simply pawns of our souls… well maybe… at least…
Anyway, enough of the background info and back to the meat of the matter, my Saturn return and (more importantly) my era of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I broke it off with my former fiancée over a year and a half ago, after a really rough, and rocky relationship of 2 ½ years, with the final straw being her going home with another guy the night of my company Christmas party (spiteful bitch… lol), A humongous fear, manifested for me… Not that I don’t share any responsibility in the actions that led up to her choice, but it was still her choice, so, so be it (she’s also 30 as her birthday is 2 weeks away from mine so I know she’s been dealing with her own demons throughout the past 2 years, probably worse I assume, because she’s generally, and typically unrelentingly, unwilling to face the majority of what her mirrors hold), but whatever, this isn’t about her, I’m going off in little side rants and I’ve already exorcized that demon. Since she and I split, I’ve moved in and out of brief relations with other women (and little girls..) and throughout each of them, I’ve noticed the continuous thread of my own uncomfortable-ness. It’s manifested itself a little differently with each one, depending on the combined energies, I assume, but it was there throughout, often physically, but always mentally, cerebrally, and definitely emotionally… But this uncomfortable-ness wasn’t only in the romantic side of my life, it permeated everything, my relations with almost everyone, at times, at least…
Confidence isn’t really something I struggle with, internally. I’m a Leo, whatever that means, but it’s true, stereotypically. I know what, and who, I am inside, and I love myself, for the most part. I very much like who I am, even in the rough times, but external confidence is where, for the last couple years, it’s gotten tricky. I don’t think I’m like most people. I often don’t feel like I belong here. I laugh equally as often reminding myself of the ‘bell theory’ from psychology, to bring myself back down to earth, but regardless, it’s true. I just typically don’t feel there are many people that I can connect to, truly, on my level. I can connect to many people, easily, on other levels, their levels, their understandings, but there are extremely few people that I connect to on my level. I can only think of 3 at the moment. I’m sure there are more, but that’s all I can think of… Jesus, I sound like a pompous ass right now, fuck, I guess I better contemplate that next, huh? But I don’t mean it as bad as it may sound and here’s why. I generally tend not to show people I meet all of what I am, especially over the past couple years, because it feels like I’ve been, in my life, in the middle of a karmic storm, and I’ve simply been trying to weather it, learn from it, and take as much as I can from it in order to grow, to be the real me that I came here to be, to make less mistakes, and to simply be happy, and live my life according to what’s really inside me. And I’m sure that that plays a part in the fact that I don’t connect to many people, easily, on my level. But outwardly, this has all manifested as awkwardness, uncomfortable-ness, and when I try to project my inner confidence outward, it just comes across all fuct up, like its overconfidence, or the big bad Leo ego trying to show off. I suppose I should say fuck trying, in general, but I’m simply trying to be me… “And when I can, I will…” (thx billy) It goes so much deeper than all this but I feel as though I’ve babbled enough as it is…
Whatever, about a year or so before this Saturn return era kicked in, my mother died, unexpectedly, out of nowhere. And I went into a serious state of depression, not only from losing her and losing that piece of her energy that had lived inside of me, but mainly because of seeing mortality in a new, differently, disturbing way. My own mortality hit me, in a very real, and again unexpected way. I became truly afraid of death, and I had always felt I had quite the comfortable little relationship with Mr. Death. Nor did I ever allow my fears, especially general type fears, to get the best of me. If and when I’d ever been afraid of anything, I’d simply, quickly, dive into it, knowing that would purge the actual fear. I’ve learned that our fears are always much worse when festering inside of us than when they actually manifest. But this fear also came out of nowhere, like her death. I realized that all of the choices I made in my life were all based on what I believed in, spiritually, but in recently having lost my mother, and physically sensed the removal of her energy that was inside of me almost rip away when she died, I began to question, to realize, that maybe I needed to question all that I believed in, because my life and everything in it, all of my choices, were based and made, around these little beliefs that I, nor anyone, had no real proof were true. There was nothing I could use to consciously believe that these things I’d previously believed were, in fact, the way life, and death, really worked. And if all I believed in could simply, easily, even probably, be wrong, then I could quite possibly be wasting my life, basing it and all its choices on my other worldly spiritual beliefs that were more than likely way off. So, quite naturally, I had developed a deeply rooted fear of death, of the eternally unknown. I dwelled this way for I’d say somewhere a little over a year from the time the manifestation of this actually hit me. Throughout that time, I connected to no one, not my girlfriend at the time, not my family, not my closest friends. I guess I needed to hit that bottom, and in turn, bring it back around full circle, but this time with true emotional, physical, not simply spiritual, or intellectual faith. A quote from Shawn Smith, “And I am not afraid to die, for how could we be free, if all we ever knew was this world in ocean blue” became my mantra of that moment, that era.
So I seemed to have made it out of that era just in time for my Saturn return to hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest, lucky me! But I guess everything happens for a reason, I believe that (physically now…). Who knows where I would have ended up had certain timing been different… So the past 3 years of my life have been quite the interesting spiral, I am starting to believe, only now, that it wasn’t a downward one after all... So for those of you who have been in my presence or only met me throughout these turbulent times, and were able to perceive something going on, cerebrally, behind these eyes, this was most likely, almost undoubtedly, the gist of it. Also considering that for just about exactly the last 10 mos, the final 10 mos of this Saturn return, I have been hibernating, literally, almost from the larger field of life. I’d quit my job, entered no serious relationships, and was living in my head, in my writing, and in my apartment solely, soully, mostly, to the point that I think my apartment has actually gained weight – the weight of my unending, heavy, thoughts and energy… I suppose I pretty much did crawl into a cave and not come out again until it was all over… But now I can sense, I can feel, a new era of my life beginning. I start a new job tomorrow that I’m pretty excited about. I am coming to terms with the final elements that the wisdom of this era has shown me, and reflected within. My 1st book is almost finished, and… tomorrow truly is a promise to no one. I’m sure these last few weeks of Saturn’s descent will hold a couple more cute little surprises… I’m not arrogant enough to assume anything less… but I am smiling….
Every moment is another… and a sense of humor is truly everything…
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