A Heavenly Ride Through Silence

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun

Tolerance

There’s a love, in me

That holds on, no matter how I change

No matter how wise I grow
No matter how old I grow

It’s a love that holds on to youth

That holds onto possibilities, impossible

This me that is willing to see through

All that is expected to bleed true

Its this level of love 
That allows the hurt to see the light of day

That allows love to see the light of day

She breaks all in her path

All that are able to see love 
Possible in her eyes

She’s selfish, and aware

Of what she takes and what she gives

She knows every possibility

And every loss in choice (she makes countless)

Does she believe in love?

Yes, she does

No one, but no one thus far

Is worthy enough for her love

And there, it waits

As does her age

She senses it, smells it

As life passes before her

Some would call it faith

And as obtuse as it seems

I am one of them

This selfishness is a need to give

Bleeding... Out all sides

Through every sign of life

She breaks the hearts of those she loves

Hoping one day it might be enough

For when I fall in love, yes, it will be forever

But this moment has come

And it’s not enough to live as one

Life is short, my love

And your choices know all too much

You will lose, gravely

But what is it that holds any balance throughout?

My heart breaks when I think of it all

It’s overpowering and I weep

There is a moment in each of us

That tells us the truth

One single truth, one single moment

Life and all its realities, in all its lies

Serves a purpose, millions of purposes

All at the same time

And only one makes a difference in the quality of life

Yes, its love... and everything else is a lie

What we project, what we decide

And it’s all after the fact

The ways we subside

My heart breaks when I think of the lives

All that’s given up, for security, for tries

When you’re emptied of everything, knowing you’ll die

And time becomes a photograph

Showing in instants, the lies

It’s never easy

As no one said it could be

It’s never a story

Where the ending’s happy

We are going to die

We’re going to grow old and decay

And beauty is in the eye of the beholder

No matter how much we push it away

The first moment I felt this, it was with you

And no matter our choices

That moment was true

We can look in on our lives

And indicate the dreams from the reality

Then piece together the seams

But bottom line, it’s a choice

We make it again, and again

No matter how we lose

We see it for what it was, in the end

No matter the choice

That moment will live forever

And I’ve had many moments

But they all fall in line

After this.. After. This.

I can make a choice and live with it

Because no matter what,

I’ll die with it

And so will you…

ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn

Optimistic

I knew you were an opportunist

I wanted the credit for saving your worthless soul

Optimism, and its downfalls:

My mistakes, my weakness

My lack of integrity, my ambition…

Thank you for the duly noted reflection

You care for no one but yourself, truly

Yes, I’m angry… at myself mostly

Naivety, when chosen, turns to bitterness

But this is my own now to face…

You cling to this image of yourself that you project

You’re not a whore

A whore provides a service in return

Your filth is worth less

You have nothing to offer (not of your wit anyway)

You are a taker

Like the vampiric words you choose

You suck people by the masses into your life

And then periodically weed those out

From which there is nothing further to suck

Or as they first begin to sense your sting

You’re a parasite, a barnacle, a tick, a leech

Take, take, take ~ all you can get

And what you give IS what you get

Upon its return

Like now when it rains, it pours

But I’m through

With ‘the benefit of the doubt’

And when we’re gone, too will be any truth

I’ve learned, I see

There is no benefit in this for me

Your blind eyes will never see

Go ahead ~ justify your cause

Cling to your offended words

Anything to re-establish your idealistic little world

Your life is a projection

Of someone you’d like others to believe you’ll become

Try looking into a mirror first

See the ways you disregard

Acting as if you’re evolved

You fucking disappoint me

And I’m ashamed to say it

But I’ll say it anyway

I have nothing to lose

Cause even as I thought I’d wait for you

My fucking stupid ass remembers it’s MY life

And MY freedom to choose

So when you eventually hit the ground

And land on a mirror that was broken long before

The reflection you see won’t be that of a whore

Seven more years of karmic justice

For your bloodsucking, justified soul

That’s for sure

The energy that’s bleeding from that hole in your gut

Is only going back to its source

This may be the last bit of reflection

You’ll ever get from inside this little circle

But I guarantee it won’t be the last

Until the day you look in the fucking mirror

ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn

Nursing Pandora

Its Friday, a moment in time... 
I tell her she can’t come with me. Many reasons. 
Mainly because I know she’ll annoy me to tears in her 5hr prep process.

“It’s a fucking bar.” I remember telling her every time.

So she comes with a friend.  We end up going home together anyway. Fine, we have sex, go to sleep.  I fuck her in the ass in the morning. She leaves (thank you)! She calls me a few hours later… grrr…

“I want to talk to you… about us.” Big fuckin’ surprise…

“Oh, that’s a new one.  You know I’m still sleeping, right?”

“I don’t want to just be your little fuck buddy. I want to be with you, forever. Why can’t we just commit to working it out?”

‘Is she insane?’ I think to myself… I tell her (again) that I’m sleeping. “And I have a ton of shit to do today, just call me tomorrow, alright?”

She huffs, puffs, blows her frustration out with the smoke. “Fine Shawn, whatever, asshole!”

“Okey dokey!” I laugh as she says goodbye and hangs up not hearing me.

I go back to sleep, wake up later, still entertained. 
Saturday bleeds into Sunday. Sunday comes, goes. 
Monday comes, goes. Tuesday comes, goes.

Wednesday I notice she never called.

I laugh knowing where she is and what she’s doing. She’s pissed, can’t have her way, acting out, spitten.  Ironically she calls soon after, it’s about 3pm. 
“Hello princess, how is he?”

“What are you talking about?” She asks as if I’d just accused her of dialing my number.

I laugh. “So, how is he?' Her transparency accompanied by her lying is unequalled.

“I talked to him, but I haven’t seen him.”  She admits.  
I continue laughing.

“What is your problem? What is so fucking funny?”

I ask, “Did you tell him you’ve seen me?  Just curious, of course.”

“No, that’s none of his business.”

I laugh… hysterically… uproariously….

“What?!” she screams. I laugh harder, prick that I am.

“What? He won’t commit to me. I don’t owe him shit!”

“Have you ever thought that maybe he wont commit to you because he knows you run back to fuck me every time he doesn’t give you every little possible thing you command you need or upon what you think you deserve?”

“That has nothing to do with anything, Shawn.”

“Of course not love! You seem to have it all figured out to the point that you’ve gotten your desired little commitment, now haven’t you?”

I am in uncontrollable fits of laughter now.

She proceeds to tell me how he has commitment issues because of his x-wife, and the fact that he was sexually abused as a child and that he likes to wear her clothes…

“I’m sure he’d love to know that you… 1) tell people these private things about him (especially me), 2) talk about him like this behind his back and like this in general and, 3) that you’re arrogant enough to judge him for such things… Yet you claim to love this man?”

“Whatever, I don’t care what he thinks.  He’s weak!  He just can’t handle a woman like me.” 
I think to myself how he must be one strong ass man, (no pun int-ended…) because I sure as hell can’t handle women like her…

“And you’re just being self-righteous, as always.”

Of course, I thank her for the brilliant reflection she so wittingly offers up.

A moment passes before the drama rolls in and she tells me she’s about to come clean with me.  I can hear the wax tears climbing like creatures up from under her eyelids along with the wax like mucus welling in her choked up throat.

“The truth is I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him.  Every time I’ve ever been with anyone, I think about other people and wonder if my life would be better with someone else, if I’d have more of all I want with someone else, except with him. I’ve never felt that way with him.”

‘Well of course, he’s rich.’ I think to myself before what she’s said finally hits me…

I was once engaged to this woman… And I’m pummeled, rightfully so…

I always sensed this about her, but it’s an entirely different story when someone comes clean, even if you already know the truth.

“But Shawn, I want you to know that when I’m with you, I’m completely with you!”

‘Of course you are…’ I think to myself… At this point she just fades out and all I can hear is the banging of my notorious Leo ego pounding the barricades of my childlike brain saying 'what, all this time you thought she was still in love with you settling with him because she couldn’t have you and now you find out it was the other way around…'

POUND POUND POUND POUND POUND!

Ok, over that.  I think I missed only a few sentences. I’m sure I’ll be able to pick it up easily enough, her puzzles aren’t often more than a few pieces anyhow.

It takes a moment or two and she says, “I second guess myself all the time. Why do I do this? What do I do about it?  He has so many issues but I’m in love with him and I’ve never felt this way about anyone…”

I become distracted again by, ‘his issues.’ 
I think, ‘God this girl needs a fucking mirror.’

“I don’t know where to start.” I tell her.

“No, where do I start? She says.

I start laughing again. She doesn’t find my humor funny.

She’s now asking me advise about him. I love it! As if she knows what the fuck she has inside of her or even who she is…

“Tell him what you just told me, that ought to do it.” I tell her laughing knowing she doesn’t have the capacity to embrace a concept like truth, or intimacy, or connection enough to speak in such a way.

“Why do I have to do it?” She yells self-importantly.

“You don’t have to.”

“Why should I?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t”

Then I think, ‘maybe… I shouldn’t… be having a conversation like this…’

“So yeah, I’ve got to run some errands, return some video tapes…”

It sails smoothly over her little Fraggle Rock head, oblivious, as always…

“OK” she says, “Wish me luck!”

I reply, “I wish……………… I could…”

But she was in her own world… thank the heavens…

These words long ago had fallen worthless to the floor…

As did any possible love for this parasite, this empty whore…