She’s crying. I’m angry. I’ve hurt her with my words. She hurts me, in turn, with hers. She doesn’t understand what it is I’ve said, but that’s now irrelevant… …I understand. I give in, and admit what it is I want because I want her to know, outwardly. It’s still not enough. She wants my silence. But we both want something, don’t we? We want to be understood, to be held… but it takes too much, to admit this grudge. But we’re both too strong, too controlling, too proud. We’re both ready to walk away, we both do. We both return. This little love grows, as does the fear, fear of this being a sign of more to come. But we’re both quite dumb. Both unwilling to let go, to trust, to love. She commands dignity, an apology, something else, the magic to heal a wound that won’t come. We both fall short… of our expectations. There is no common ground, unfortunately. I name the reasons to walk away, and I do, again, and yes, yet again. I watch her imitate the same actions. This silly game, she calls, I call, but here, we are. And I ache, I can admit this, its simple really, really simple. And again, my mind, my heart, floats, to where I see it all… everything tells me to walk away, tells her to walk away. It’s so easy this way. And maybe I should. And maybe I do. But I’m left like this, where it matters, most. I want her. I want to love her, to kiss her, to hold her, to protect her… But none of this is enough. The tears are enough. I’ll wave goodbye, with your tears in my eye. But it’s not what I want. It’s just what I’ve got. And no matter how much I’d like to, we won’t turn back. I could justify all that I’ve said or done. I can hear her do the same. It’s all righteous, worthy, who could argue? But it’s not enough for me, and I somehow doubt, it’s enough for you. But I’ll take them the same, I did, play along with this game…
But it was never what I wanted. ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn
So as you can well see below you, this is quite the long (and fyi, personally deep & involved) piece…. In fact it’s really more of a journal entry than anything else…So if you’re only quasi-interested, or looking for a short, light (hahah, as if..), or humorous read, I would suggest reading another of my blogs…lolAnd for those of you who actually choose to read all of this crap, strap on your seatbelt..
So I was out with a new friend recently, and she was not only able to perceive (that was the easy part) but also, freely, point out to me, that she picked up on my uncomfortable-ness.I appreciate this sort of thing, immensely, because by bringing something out into the open, some of its power over us is lost…You know, the ‘what you resist, persists’ kind of thing…Anyway, I realized it was time for me to really dive into and exorcize this ever-existing energy in me, from me.It’s been there for at least the last two years, and had evolved from another mind-state.Since my x-fiancée and I broke up over a year and a half ago and around the time of a close friend’s bachelor party and wedding 2 Septembers ago, I’ve had this urge to crawl into a cave and not come out again until it was all over.It was this unbearable witnessing, knowing, that all of my actions, and feelings were completely transparent to all those around me, but not only transparent, awkwardly distorted as well, no matter how much I tried to keep lids on them.Even those who didn’t have the capacity or interest enough to see them clearly, transparently, all they could or needed to see was the disconnectedness in me, the weirdness…
I’m going to be 31 in less than 3 weeks, and, according to the Saturn return theory, if you buy into it, and astrology, which I personally feel is impossible to ignore, much less discredit, then I should just be coming out of this karmic tunnel.Saturn is believed by astrologers to be the planet representing karmic energy.Saturn takes approximately 30 years to orbit the sun one time.So around the time you turn 29, and through to the time you turn 31, Saturn is ascending, reaching, hitting, and then exiting its exact coordinates of where it was at the time when your soul, along with all its karmic attachments, fears, issues, etc, entered your body, when you were conceived, incubated, and born.So the Saturn return supposedly manifests for you, in you, around you, all the little, and, not so little, fears, and life path issues you carry inside you.Many of which you aren’t even aware you have… until they manifest, outwardly.I learned most of this from a very dear and old friend as well as confidante, who is also a psychic healer, and very much studied in astrology.Tool’s song “The Grudge” is also about this concept, this theory, (and anyone who knows me knows how I am when it comes to Maynard’s writings.)I did some research on my own as well, but I only started buying into this shit deeply when I bought into it (literally). I went to astrology.com and paid for my ‘real you report’ and after reading a 30pg document about me, supposedly, and there wasn’t one fucking thing in it that wasn’t completely accurate, I became a believer.It does get you thinking about free will though… If something as seemingly insignificant as the time, date, and place you were born, can interpret, and dictate the entire essence of a persons being, and the course of their life, even 30 years after the fact, then free will must be a lie… so he contemplated…Well, I almost thought that.I’ve since bridged the contradiction and believe it’s just a bit misunderstood, generally speaking.I believe now that our souls have the free will, but our bodies, and our lives are simply pawns of our souls… well maybe… at least…
Anyway, enough of the background info and back to the meat of the matter, my Saturn return and (more importantly) my era of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.I broke it off with my former fiancée over a year and a half ago, after a really rough, and rocky relationship of 2 ½ years, with the final straw being her going home with another guy the night of my company Christmas party (spiteful bitch… lol), A humongous fear, manifested for me… Not that I don’t share any responsibility in the actions that led up to her choice, but it was still her choice, so, so be it (she’s also 30 as her birthday is 2 weeks away from mine so I know she’s been dealing with her own demons throughout the past 2 years, probably worse I assume, because she’s generally, and typically unrelentingly, unwilling to face the majority of what her mirrors hold), but whatever, this isn’t about her, I’m going off in little side rants and I’ve already exorcized that demon.Since she and I split, I’ve moved in and out of brief relations with other women (and little girls..) and throughout each of them, I’ve noticed the continuous thread of my own uncomfortable-ness.It’s manifested itself a little differently with each one, depending on the combined energies, I assume, but it was there throughout, often physically, but always mentally, cerebrally, and definitely emotionally…But this uncomfortable-ness wasn’t only in the romantic side of my life, it permeated everything, my relations with almost everyone, at times, at least…
Confidence isn’t really something I struggle with, internally.I’m a Leo, whatever that means, but it’s true, stereotypically.I know what, and who, I am inside, and I love myself, for the most part.I very much like who I am, even in the rough times, but external confidence is where, for the last couple years, it’s gotten tricky.I don’t think I’m like most people.I often don’t feel like I belong here.I laugh equally as often reminding myself of the ‘bell theory’ from psychology, to bring myself back down to earth, but regardless, it’s true.I just typically don’t feel there are many people that I can connect to, truly, on my level.I can connect to many people, easily, on other levels, their levels, their understandings, but there are extremely few people that I connect to on my level.I can only think of 3 at the moment.I’m sure there are more, but that’s all I can think of… Jesus, I sound like a pompous ass right now, fuck, I guess I better contemplate that next, huh?But I don’t mean it as bad as it may sound and here’s why.I generally tend not to show people I meet all of what I am, especially over the past couple years, because it feels like I’ve been, in my life, in the middle of a karmic storm, and I’ve simply been trying to weather it, learn from it, and take as much as I can from it in order to grow, to be the real me that I came here to be, to make less mistakes, and to simply be happy, and live my life according to what’s really inside me. And I’m sure that that plays a part in the fact that I don’t connect to many people, easily, on my level.But outwardly, this has all manifested as awkwardness, uncomfortable-ness, and when I try to project my inner confidence outward, it just comes across all fuct up, like its overconfidence, or the big bad Leo ego trying to show off.I suppose I should say fuck trying, in general, but I’m simply trying to be me… “And when I can, I will…” (thx billy)It goes so much deeper than all this but I feel as though I’ve babbled enough as it is…
Whatever, about a year or so before this Saturn return era kicked in, my mother died, unexpectedly, out of nowhere.And I went into a serious state of depression, not only from losing her and losing that piece of her energy that had lived inside of me, but mainly because of seeing mortality in a new, differently, disturbing way.My own mortality hit me, in a very real, and again unexpected way.I became truly afraid of death, and I had always felt I had quite the comfortable little relationship with Mr. Death.Nor did I ever allow my fears, especially general type fears, to get the best of me.If and when I’d ever been afraid of anything, I’d simply, quickly, dive into it, knowing that would purge the actual fear.I’ve learned that our fears are always much worse when festering inside of us than when they actually manifest.But this fear also came out of nowhere, like her death.I realized that all of the choices I made in my life were all based on what I believed in, spiritually, but in recently having lost my mother, and physically sensed the removal of her energy that was inside of me almost rip away when she died, I began to question, to realize, that maybe I needed to question all that I believed in, because my life and everything in it, all of my choices, were based and made, around these little beliefs that I, nor anyone, had no real proof were true.There was nothing I could use to consciously believe that these things I’d previously believed were, in fact, the way life, and death, really worked.And if all I believed in could simply, easily, even probably, be wrong, then I could quite possibly be wasting my life, basing it and all its choices on my other worldly spiritual beliefs that were more than likely way off.So, quite naturally, I had developed a deeply rooted fear of death, of the eternally unknown.I dwelled this way for I’d say somewhere a little over a year from the time the manifestation of this actually hit me.Throughout that time, I connected to no one, not my girlfriend at the time, not my family, not my closest friends.I guess I needed to hit that bottom, and in turn, bring it back around full circle, but this time with true emotional, physical, not simply spiritual, or intellectual faith.A quote from Shawn Smith, “And I am not afraid to die, for how could we be free, if all we ever knew was this world in ocean blue” became my mantra of that moment, that era.
So I seemed to have made it out of that era just in time for my Saturn return to hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest, lucky me!But I guess everything happens for a reason, I believe that (physically now…).Who knows where I would have ended up had certain timing been different…So the past 3 years of my life have been quite the interesting spiral, I am starting to believe, only now, that it wasn’t a downward one after all...So for those of you who have been in my presence or only met me throughout these turbulent times, and were able to perceive something going on, cerebrally, behind these eyes, this was most likely, almost undoubtedly, the gist of it.Also considering that for just about exactly the last 10 mos, the final 10 mos of this Saturn return, I have been hibernating, literally, almost from the larger field of life.I’d quit my job, entered no serious relationships, and was living in my head, in my writing, and in my apartment solely, soully, mostly, to the point that I think my apartment has actually gained weight – the weight of my unending, heavy, thoughts and energy… I suppose I pretty much did crawl into a cave and not come out again until it was all over…But now I can sense, I can feel, a new era of my life beginning.I start a new job tomorrow that I’m pretty excited about.I am coming to terms with the final elements that the wisdom of this era has shown me, and reflected within.My 1st book is almost finished, and… tomorrow truly is a promise to no one. I’m sure these last few weeks of Saturn’s descent will hold a couple more cute little surprises… I’m not arrogant enough to assume anything less… but I am smiling….
Every moment is another…and a sense of humor is truly everything…
Who I’d Like To Meet: Self absorbed parasites who take themselves way too fuckin’ seriously... of course! (smell the sarcasm) Small minds, Closed minds, Those who pride themselves in ignorance, Henry Kissenger, J. Edgar Hoover, George H. Bush, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Jeb Bush, Katherine Harris, Clayton Roberts, Ken Starr, Jesse Helms, Condoleeza Rice, Rupert Murdoch, Anne Coulter, Bill O’Reilly, Monica Lewinski, Ron Silver, Tom Selleck, John Wayne, The ‘city of brotherly loving murderers’ and 90% of it’s inhabitants who tend to either be gangster wannabes or trend-sters who’ve actually convinced themselves that they are being expressive rather than the fact that they’re indeed following hip little trends, Followers, Cults, Born agains (take your 'Revelations' TV series and 'Left Behind' propaganda with you), Jesus Freaks, Bible Thumpers, Jerry Falwell, Organized Religions, Officers of the law that steal their horses’ blinders, Indulgent addictive personality types, The medicated who can face the world but can't face the mirror, Pfizer and all of its competitors in the pharmaceutical marketing industry, Closet whores, Any and absolutely all Reality TV, Mindless minx’s sporting Botox or Breast implants (shake what your good lord God gave you, you soulless whore), Anna Nicole Smith, Paula Jones, Paris Hilton and all her clones, Juliya and all hers, Jocks, Meatheads, Inbred wastes who still actually use the term ‘your mom,’ People with so much of nothing else that they find humor in the falls of others (it does make you feel better about your empty self, doesn’t it?), Lawyers & Lawsuits, Real Estate agents, Insurance Execs, The middle or upper-middleclass (and striving) 'conservative' hypocrites who naively convince themselves they'll attain protected status along side the elite 1 percentile, Racists, Homophobes, Liars, Mayor Bloomberg, Sean Hannity, The entire Fox Network, Spoon fed & sound asleep american dipshits sporting nametags like conservative ~ liberal ~ democrat ~ and republican ~ its about money and power ~ you have it or you want it ~ wake the fuck up or shut the fuck up!, Victimized Feminists (talk about an oxy moron) - Your Excuses Are Your Own!, Those in utter denial, The cinco de mayo syndrome, 5 dollar word entrepreneurs, and lastly, witty wannabes who come up with mindless and meaningless words & phrases and then paragraph them together… All of you need to just go back to hell - you filth ridden spawn of the coming Armageddon… Learn to fucking swim!
I wanna fuck! I mean like Hardcore Fuck! Sweat, bodies slapping, belt in action, wet spots all over the sheets, I mean like tear it fucking loose... I have all this excess energy. I don't know if it’s from the summer heat or what. I haven't even been eating, really. And when I do eat, its only because I feel like I'm supposed to, not because I'm actually hungry. I've gone days without eating, and without even realizing it, lately. This heat is burning me inside, and I want it, I don’t care. I haven't been turning on the AC except when people come over, only because I feel as though I should be a good host. Plus when it is on, I feel like I'm in a cave, now I love my little mental caves but I can tell that is NOT what I need right now. I haven't been sleeping all that much, I can't. I go to bed 2, 3, 4 in the morning and I'm up by 9 every day, or the first time my eyes actually crack open, sometimes its 7. I can't stay asleep. I have too much energy. I can feel all this excess fire in me, its like its surrounding me, almost suffocating me. I run around my apartment in circles trying to shake it off. I go out & down to the park at the east river under the Triboro and run, sweat, as long as I can, just to bleed it out. I can do twice as many push ups, at least, as I normally can without an interruption and I still spring up off my feet when I'm done. I'm losing weight without trying to, without even wanting to.. Its seriously fucking with me, freaking me out! This animal within is craving something else, something primal, like I seriously need to fuck like a beast. I haven’t HARDCORE FUCKED in over 2 months, I've had 'yeah yeah yeah’ sex but that just aint gonna cut it right now. I need hardcore, sweat dripping from my chin, 6 loads dropped and still going strong, energizer bunny bang bang bang to the beat of that drum, crazy, passionate, I wanna fuck you like an animal, kinky ass, hardcore fucking animalistic insanity… Like someone riding me with my dick in her ass, hair flying around, hands on heart (hahah), fucking sick craziness… I can’t even jerk off because that would just be me sitting there with my cock in my hand. What the fuck!!!!! AHHH… I'm not sorry, I'm not a pervert, don't start any of that righteous bullshit with me, I'll slice you up, quick like, don't act like you've never felt that hunger, that need to let loose, to push it out, to sweat like a pig… This aint some macho man manifesto 'I need to get laid' rant. This is fucking real, thoughts, fire, poured out to paper (or computer)… I'm not asking for takers, just back up and absorb the reality of the fact that human beings are still, and essentially primal animals… And every so often, we remember that, physically…
Let’s get something straight Yes, I probably want to fuck you But, only because you’re beautiful… But, I’m not fucking you… Do I want to be your friend? Well, friendship takes time And most often, like-minded lives So let’s just say that I’m interested in getting to know you Does that mean I’ll fuck you? Well, that depends… You see, I’m a Leo It’s pretty simple really We have admirers… many… usually… Don’t hate! It’s not an ego thing, it’s just how we’re built Every sign has its things You Virgos are all righteously politically correct You Aquarians are closet little control freaks You Cancers are clingy little crabs who internally hate that about yourselves You Sags are calculating little strategists You Libras are neurotic little aspiring intellectuals You like these things about the people you like Because you understand it’s just how they’re built And us Leo’s NEED to know we’re wanted We’re darling, and yes, we know it But that’s not quite enough We want it to be worthy We not only need to know we’re wanted But we need to feel interested, piqued So if you fancy a Leo But aren’t ready to fuck him You needn’t worry about him trying to fuck you You simply need to show him you’re not willing to And he won’t want it… trust me! But, be somewhat careful if you’re considering fucking him down the line Or simply, and genuinely enjoy his presence We get discouraged, easily (siwwy prwoud wittle wions) And generally tend to pounce on over to the next admiring kitten But as soon as you put on that cute little purposely-prudish prance You can let go of your defenses, immediately Because, we aint fuckin’ ya You can sleep on the couch But we aint fuckin’ ya You can sleep butt-ass-neked next to us, spooning And we still aint fuckin’ ya You can wake me up with the starts of a blowjob And I promise ya, I aint fuckin’ ya Pretty much until you forcefully rape me I AINT fuckin’ ya But even then, it’s no promise… Now, that’s a way to make sure a Leo likes your personality If you’re still hanging out For days, weeks, months… even years Sounds like you got a loyal lion interested in you Genuinely… No strings… No matter how attractive you are… Now that sounds like a friendship So remember, the purposely-prudish thing works If that’s what you want Or even if/when you don’t know what the hell you want (Don’t take that negatively now, we know how neurotic you little nymphs can be…) Personally, I think it’s adorable (in a very real way) It’s possibly even respectable (like, whoa…) Not that anyone really wants to work that hard But that’s just the point No one Does really work that hard They give up and stop caring about that precious little pink of yours They just get real and hang out genuinely because they enjoy you And as fiery and passionate as us big pussycats can get There’s nothing like a little flavor savor… Now is there? ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn
You know what it is.It’s an addiction, to an idea, mostly.I know that we all strive for this thing, this concept, this object, considered a noun, but a thing none of us can touch… security.It’s an idea, a concept, but its classified as a noun in this context.
Me, I’m aware, of its lies, its fallacies, of the fact that security is like, a hope, a belief that the things we do will somehow protect the things we have from being taken from us, from losing them.But I don’t believe that my actions serve as any real sort of protection from loss.Most of the time, I don’t even believe in loss, but that’s just a belief anyhow, so who cares?I don’t believe in security.I think people who do are fucking blind, but then again, I’m sure people think I’m blind for some of the shit I believe in.But there’s this one difference.. maybe.. I am fully aware that there is no proof to anything I believe.I’ll never know if anything I believe in is true until the day I fucking die, if, and, at best, then, and only then.I choose to believe in all I believe in because it’s the only choice I have, if I want to stay here...I’ve too often, in my past, come too fucking close to the edge of that abyss and if, or maybe I should say while, I choose to stick around, I have to believe that there is something worth believing in, or hoping for.Otherwise, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but Imma bounce the fuck out.I feel also too often that I was born on the wrong fucking planet as it is.And if all these little concepts, dreams, hope, even these pathetic little tasteless fantasies, truly are impossible, even for fleeting moments, then there is no fucking reason for me to be here.And I can die with that, because for long enough, I’ve lived with it.Hope is a foolish, and dangerous thing, but like any risk in this world, the rewards match the risk, and I’m (currently) willing to take that risk in hope, or belief, for that equally matching moment that I’ve seen in my dreams.That moment that stretches like a photograph across something that resembles the meaning of my life.As if I had something to say and was able to articulate it, and that defined my life, my existence, my heart, my souls love, out into this world.Jesus, I hope this isn’t for nothing, what a waste all of this effort would have been…
“Don't open your eyes, you won't like what you see
The devils of truth steal the souls of the free
Don't open your eyes, take it from me
I have found you can find happiness is slavery
Don't open your eyes, you won't like what you see
The blind have been blessed with security
Don't open your eyes, take it from me
I have found you can find happiness is slavery
I don't know what I am, I don't know where I've been
Human junk just words and so much skin
Stick my hands thru the cage of this endless routine
Just some flesh caught in this big broken machine”
So, quoting Trent (thx), security, and those who search for it, strive for it, live for it, believing that what they’ve built wont be taken from them by investing in security, think it over, maybe, if only for a moment.I say, for myself at least, embrace insecurity, be aware, take nothing for granted, hope, but do not believe that your actions, your efforts, are worth that much.Nothing is trivial, but the heart has to speak through those actions in order for those actions to not matter if or when they’ve turned out to be fruitless.I know the futility of all my actions, and how I choose to act bleeds from my heart, it literally bleeds.So I have little to no regret when I act without any ambition.I am an insecure person.I admit this.I am almost proud of it, actually, but I’ll waste little time on something as ignorant as pride.I am also strong, but strength is rarely an answer to choices like these.Strength is a tool.Insecurity is real, its freedom, pure awareness, like the baby who relies so much on its environment.We are weak, we need, we fool ourselves with our actions, with out aspirations, with our pride.They’re all lies.What’s real?Listen to a grown man cry for his mommy when he’s lying, dying, bleeding to death with a knife, or a bullet, buried, in his belly.Anything can happen, live, and act with heart, and no matter what happens, whatever you feel you lose, you’ll have no regret.We value pride and we devalue insecurity.Last I recalled, pride was one of the 7 deadly sins…That shows how backwards our society is from the truth of our hearts.
One day, this may serve as a testament for the voice of my heart, my love, and all that these short years I’ve wandered have bled.Its not so bad this way, even when it is.
