On Our Own

So I wake up this morning from a dream where I’d driven to this girl from MySpace’s house that I’ve never even spoken to, really. I mean she’s one of my ‘friends’ but everyone knows how that goes.  She’s fine, beautiful in fact, but she’s also insane… not that this is not a relative concept, but whatever…

Its early afternoon and I pull up to this apartment complex in my beige 70’s Dodge shadow.  (I don’t even own a car… not sure exactly what that’s supposed to represent…) I knock on the screen door, as the main door was open.  I see her in there.  She’s on the phone, some sort of business, some appointment reschedule or some shit.  She waves me in, and gestures with her finger for me to hold on a minute until she’s off the phone.  I can see the look in her eyes like, “what are you doing here or what do you want?”  I’m wondering why she’s let me in so easily, considering she doesn’t really know me and I doubt she really remembers who I am.  She’s on the phone for a while. She’s really tall and I become intimidated.  I didn’t realize she was this tall. 

Her cat comes along and I start to stroke it.  The cat falls in love with me, purring loudly, which I know looks good to her.  She walks out to the walkway in front of the apartments.  I follow, as does the cat still at my shins.  I kneel down again and keep stroking the cat. She’s still on the phone watching me with her cat.  She hangs up the phone finally and asks me, “Who are you?  I know you, right? What are you doing here?” 

I tell her who I am, “You’re so freely giving of your info and address on your page that I thought fuck it, it’s on my way and it’d be good for me to do something spontaneous. I’m on my way down to south jersey for some family shit so I decided to stop by to meet you in person.  Plus, you’ve got so many admirers on MySpace that it’d be close to impossible to make any sort of noticeable impression.”  She laughs at this and I’m comfortable in my actions… I adapt the mentality to just assume the game already to be lost and have fun with it all, lost = nothing to lose. 

Her neighbor from upstairs comes down on his way out and she rolls her eyes at him.  She proceeds to tell me he’s a freak… I recognize him somehow but I’m not sure from where.  We talk for a while longer and I’m fascinated by how beautiful she is but especially by her piercing eyes.  She’s taken aback, fascinated by my ‘pass the salt’ way of relaying ‘un’conventional thoughts or perceptions. (That’s right, it’s my dream and I can be as cool and irresistible as my subconscious fucking wants to be…)  We’re starting to connect, but I’m still intimidated, ever so slightly.  I’m hiding it rather well though.  The phone rings again and the look on her face is like “oh, no, don’t lose where we were” as she knows she has to answer it.  I become relaxed, patient, inspired. 

As she’s on the phone, her upstairs neighbor returns.  He sees me sitting there alone and comes over to me, and starts talking.  We realize we know each other from a skateboard company he’s a part owner in, and that the bass player from a band I used to manage is also a part owner.  As we’re talking, I realize she was right.  He is strange, and unconnected.  He looks like Jack Black’s roommate in the movie, School of Rock.  He tells me to come out to his car to check out some of his new designs.  I oblige, just to be polite.  We’re there a little while and there are people all over the place who know each other.  It’s an oddly friendly busy little apartment complex.  Before long I’m speaking to other people and she’s off the phone.  She comes down to the lot and breaks my random conversations, unapologetically.  

“Spend the day with me!” she smiles. “…Maybe even the weekend?”  She winks. 

“I can’t, it’s my nephew christening… I can’t bail on it.  My sister will seriously NEVER speak to me again, no joke. I would honestly love nothing more though.”

Her arms are around my neck.  She’s almost as tall as me and her eyes are so fierce that I don’t even realize she’s wrapped her legs around me.  She’s hanging on to me like a monkey.  She’s trying to convince me and I’m temporarily swayed, almost.  I again tell her how much I want to but… how I can’t.  She makes one last attempt and kisses me, hard…  I’m loving every minute, every painful twist.. but I’m also thinking I may not get another chance.  This girl seems quite the erratic one.  I’m fascinated, I want to know.

“Fuck, I gotta go.  There’s no way out of this.”  I’ll have to take my chances, I think…  as I hope she’ll give me another… 

She squeezes my neck, then pushes me away and says “Alright, I’ll see you later…” I get it!  Tomorrow is a promise to no one…

I awake.  As I’m wiping the crud out of my eyes, I look at the clock and its after 11 (yes, my life rules).  There’s a melody in my head, a song I recognize.  It’s a cheesy song from the 80’s I think but I can’t finger it, yet.  So I’m lying there, taking my sweet time before deciding its time to get my slackin’ ass up.  I’m trying to recall more aspects of the dream.  I roll out of bed finally, my knee is fucking killing me, I take a piss, everything is still cloudy from the morning blur.  I flush, walk to the computer, turn it on, walk to the coffee maker, make some mud and it hits me…

“You want somethin' done? You gotta do it yourself

If I was you, and you were me, you oughta be winning

If you want something better, you gotta wanna keep your all

'Cause I believe, so much do we, they know we're not kidding

If you feel the same as me, girl, you gotta learn to take the fall

Now I find out that nothing is given

Don't know where the cards may fall

All I know is that we gotta get it

We've gotta make it on our own

Well I guess we're gonna have to take control (on our own)

If it's up to us, we've got to take it home (on our own)

Can't you see that all we need to be a go-getter

Gotta make your own decisions, gotta go for what ya know

There comes a time in our lives, you wanna be bigger

Gotta keep, keep on pushing, you gotta learn to take control, yeah

Well I guess we're gonna have to take control (on our own)

If it's up to us, we've got to take it home

Gotta, gotta, take it home, gotta, gotta, gotta take it home (on our own)

RAP: Too hot to handle, too cold to hold

They're called Ghostbusters and they're in control

Had 'em throwin' a party for a bunch of children

While all the while, Slimer's under the building

So they packed up the crew, got a grip came quick

Grabbed the coats, got the proton packs on they back, and they split

To battle out Viggo, the master of evil

Try to battle my boys? That's not legal ~END RAP

They're in control (Oh-we-oh) Y-Y-Ya know it, Y-Y-Ya know it

Well I guess we're gonna have to take control

Gotta, gotta, gotta...gotta, gotta, gotta (on our own)

If it's up to us, we've got to take it home

Too hot to handle, too cold to hold,

They're called Ghostbusters and they're in control (on our own)

Well I guess we're gonna have to take control...”

That’s right, the melody in my head is Bobby Brown’s “On Our Own” from the Ghostbusters movie… I don’t get it, what the hell is that doing in my head?  It obviously wasn’t on the alarm clock, as I haven’t used my alarm clock in months.  In fact it’s got a half-inch of dust on it (yes, I told you, my life rules).  Why is this dumb fucking song in my head?  I go to my I-Tunes library and of course I have the song (yes, I’m a loser!)  But I also have over 12,000 songs so fuck off… there aren’t many songs I know that I don’t have, I’m a whore, I know it, again fuck off… I listen to the song… I start to get it, kind of…

This dream is the kind of dream I have when I’m awake generally, daydreaming, or dozing off in my afternoon naps (damn, my life really kicks ass.)  I call these little day dreams “tasteless fantasies,” basically because that’s what they are… fantasies where everything I want is handed to me in an effortless sloth…  I get much from them though… Instead of beating myself up for being a loser, I take them and run with them, in my writing mostly, but also on occasion in life, if, and when, I’ve got the balls to..