Basically, I just want to exorcise this energy. Every time I think about this era of my life, I'm drained, completely. It was one of the most difficult times of my life, between having moved to a new school, this drama, and all the drama with my mother and family. It had to be just about as hard as anything I've ever faced, aside from the death of my mother and presumably when my parents split up when I was five or seven years old. I want to exorcise it, get rid of it, and expel it from me. Every time someone from this period pops up on this godforsaken site, I'm pulled (mentally, emotionally) right back to it, with all these little details I wouldn't have remembered previously bubbling up within me, refreshed, renewed, and turning me temporarily again into a regretful, angst ridden, teenager dreaming of homicidal maniac style tasteless fantasies…
So what is it that I'm not facing, not letting go of? Because each time, I feel like that 15 year-old kid, pulled into historic dramas, feeling angry, hurt, sad, rejected, regretful… Do I bridge the past to the present and kick the shit out of them? Will that make me feel better? Or do I forgive them? I ask myself, am I still going to feel this way when I'm 90 years old? (as if I'd make it that far) This bullshit happened over 17 years ago… What the fuck? How can this still be affecting me, even in this way? I was wrong to betray this, at the time, new friend, these new friends in the way I did. I know this. I know it was fucked up. I know it makes me a 'bad person,' a fucked up friend. But I'm far from that same 15 year-old fuck I was back then... But why, when brought back here, am I still so angry, especially if I am the one who was fucked up? What is this injustice I feel lingering? Why would I feel so justified in kicking the fuck out of these people, in smashing their heads in? I know, I know without any proof to back it up, I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I would feel 100,000,000 times better if I just threw down with either one of these two fucks… win, lose, or draw… Shit, I'd even take them both on at the same time knowing well I'd get the piss kicked out of me back and forth, because it wouldn't matter to me… It'd be closure. And it'd be long overdue…
Is it half penance, and half revenge, with a sprinkle of justice atop, on both sides of the spectrum? Is it love? Is it fear? All in all, it feels like love, warped as that may sound… Its not fear. The only fear involved here is that of a would-be dying man not wanting to carry this ridiculous adolescent drama with him into whatever it is that comes next… But that's hardly a fear. It'd be just as ridiculous then as it is here… It's more about the indulgent waste of energy… Because I know at the end of a few beers.. or a bloody brawl, that I'll look either one of these self absorbed cock suckers in their eyes and know, amongst the varying choices of lives; past, present, and future, that this kharmic energy is finally fucking freed… And maybe this is exactly what I need…
