Indulgence

There’s a small piece, a fraction
Something that has yet to transcend it
It’s this place that’s dangerous
That sleeps with writhing contempt and bitterness
This bleeding heart is weak
It possesses the inability to fear loss
Like that of the meek
I know all that I’m capable of
As this fear festers below all the lofty above
I could end a life
As easily as I could, for another, give my own
And although I might have some trouble sleeping
I recall that most often, I do anyway
In fact, maybe only then
I’d be able to sleep
There’d be no hope for me
In myself, I’d resign
Finally given in to the truth
That I never have been
Nor could I ever be anything more than slime
Somehow, without trying, it seems justified
I don’t have to reason it out
Nor throw it back, forth, or about
I see them, these people
Born rich, into laziness, indulgence
And wasted intelligence
On irrational fears, greed
And the manipulation of circumstance
Born of souls who they themselves
Are the children of ultimate indulgence
When does one born here
Ever come to contemplate transcendence?
Yet there’s this little part of me that aspires
To these levels of comfort
Why?
We all want it easy, don’t we?
We’d bargain it out
And offer to give some back
But even then, no matter how much
If ever I were to give
It could never be enough…
I have always lived in these extremes
In my mind at least...
Panning temperatures of greed
And through the day to day, I’d balance it
I’d shine through the mirroring of it
This deeper side of me exists
And I see without question, the limits
Of my own tolerance
And I know that I could kill
As simply as I’d know it would be wrong
But I don’t know what exactly that means,
To be “wrong” today… in this day…
It’s like knowing what it means to be strong
Because strength is rarely an answer
When heartache creeps in like the cancer
It’s simply another tool
Cherished by us, the fools
Like these concepts of wrong and right
When what it all comes down to is power, might
Separating the ways of the world as clearly as day and night
And again, we hold onto them like fools
Not truly understanding who made it up
Or from where exactly came these rules…
I’m weak
And I’m tempted… daily
Desires to burn it all down
Praying something will come
To flush it all away
A tidal wave
A hurricane
An earthquake
Maybe I just see too much
Maybe that’s the basis of my grudge
I already know I’m a fool
But sometimes that isn’t enough
It’s so easy for so many
To turn their eyes another way
To look forward and see,
(maybe just a little daydream)
What you yourself could have one day
People are starving
And people are suffering
And people are dying
But they’ll always do that anyway
Regardless of whether I’m rich or poor
Regardless of whether we have less or more
Right?
There are so many ways to justify it
“We’re all slaves”
Paying some form of rent everyday
The cards we’re dealt
We know them all too well
It just doesn’t seem fair
But, who am I, to care?
If one day, it were to end that way
I’m sure being me, strange as it is to see
I’d drown or at least swim in the regret
But I’d remember after all, that where you are
Is always just about as good as it gets…
As always, its this voice in my heart
Reminding me, repeatedly, we are all from this same start
And there are many roads along the path
Including, like these desires, the roads of wrath
And before I cast these stones
I’m again reminded of my own
Concepts of need
Like these other six deadly sins
Pride, sloth, envy, lust, gluttony and greed
How much better am I than them?
Trading theirs for my own sins
I realize, once again
It’s not only ok, but required
To give in…

ⓒ 2005 Shawn Michael Quinn