Defiant!

Take me instead, I'll stand in the middle

A martyr once said, hoping to deliver us

Take me instead, I'll stand in the middle

When the river runs red, hoping for deliverance

Defiant, I'll become the shelter 

In the hope that my death 

Gives more before oblivion

I'm hoping that the river runs dry yet

I am all of who I am

Wear the face of all I know I am

I am all of who I am

I the tested, I the broken stand

Take me instead, I'll stand unforgiven

When the river runs red

Hoping this delivers us

Defiant, I'll become the shelter 

In the hope that my death 

Gives more before oblivion

Hoping that the river runs dry yet

I am all of who I am

Wear the face of all I know I am

I am all of who I am

I the tested, I the broken stand

...On the inside

Born a slave here in denial

I am free now, I am just

Holding my own sacred line

I will keep on following

For the one who bears the eyes 

I conceived mine offered up 

I will brace, bleed and defy 

The moment that the river runs

I am all of who I am

Wear the face of all I know I am

Both the liar and the honest man

I the tested, I the broken stand

I'm hoping to deliver us

Hoping to deliver us

Hoping that the river runs dry

Hoping that the river runs dry

Hoping that the river runs dry

The Pull of Hidden Wires..

I couldn't hide my face to claim my innocence
I wouldn't have the sense to keep going on
Maybe I'm just too proud to stand in your defense
Still I feel the pull of hidden wires
I'm never gonna try, I lied
I dared to speak my mind
When all the old changes made before
Don't seem to change a thing at all
Are you real?  Are you real?

I wouldn't find my place with this poor disguise
Why can't I face myself without these lies?
I couldn't find my path without knowing it
I've been around every turn
I know what's left is right
I'll never let it die
I tried, I dared to free my mind
And all these same changes as before
Don't seem to change a thing at all
I'm never gonna try, I know 
That I won't go back
It started with a smile, I know
But it won't come back
This is real!

I should've seen it coming
Now I'm feeling nothing
I was taken far beneath the middle
I'm never gonna try, I know 
That I won't go back
It started with a smile, I know
But it won't come back
This is real!

2013 Soundtrack

More..

bite your tongue

don't make a scene dear

everybody's been here

at least once before

but we've been here more..

your heartbreak

rolls down the window

I've seen it all go

and comeback around

I've heard the sound

the tip of your tongue

the top of your lungs

is doing my head in

I say

love don't mean nothing

unless there's something

worth fighting for

it's a beautiful war..

when I hold

the warmth of your body

there is nobody

that I'd rather hold

shattered and cold

the tip of your tongue

the top of your lungs

is making me crazy

I say love don't mean nothing

'Less there's something worth fighting for

It's a beautiful war

Let Go

Once there was a world
Where we could do anything we wanted
There weren't any rules
Flying through the air with all the light of the world below us
With nothing left to prove
And we didn't need anyone to tell us
How to sing along
How to sing our songs

Once when I was young
I was afraid of the darkness
But I didn't know a thing
About the ways
A man could make the most of a bad decision
Just by letting go..

And we never need anyone to tell us
How to sing along
How to sing our songs

Once when I was young
In a world where everything was golden
And everyone was good
We could see tomorrow like the yesterdays forever
We could see for miles and miles
And we never needed anyone to tell us
How to sing along
And we never needed anyone to tell us
How to sing our songs
How to sing our songs..

~Shawn Smith

Deliverance

There’s a place

Within each of us

That sets the pace

The peace.. the space

For all the moments of our lives

For all the hope that allows us to try

For all the bleeding that causes our cries

And for all and any fortitude in our mind’s eye

But everything

We allow in

Can disrupt this place of solace

Even, and especially,

Our love..

Our passions..

Our commitments..

And our attachments

And when we allow it

The walls crumble around us

The sky turns black above us

Our Gods seem to have forsaken us

And the rivers begin to run dry

The angels stop singing

This, the Buddah spoke of

When he said, “all [life] is suffering…”

I have let my love in this life devour me

I have allowed my passions to lead me astray

I have allowed my commitments to consume me

And I have indulged my attachments away

As we face the mirrors of mornings

And we welcome in the mourning

We can re-choose our choices

We can choose to suffer

We can choose to let go

And we can choose the stoic

Ego

Serenity, courage, and the gifts of wisdom

Tools for the Warrior, the same as the Christian

I’ll not let love get the worst of me

And I’ll not let life take the child from me

I’ll love whole-heartedly

I’ll live wildly and passionately

I’ll kiss these foreheads in harmony

This is the center of being

This is the gift one reminds himself of

And this is what it means to believe

This is transcendence

This is

Deliverance

ⓒ 2013 Shawn Michael Quinn

Broken

Anywhere But Inbetween..

A friend assures me, "it's all or nothing"

    I am not worried..

  I am not overly concerned…

My friend implores me

"For one time only, make an exception…"

   I am not worried..

Wrap her up in a package of lies..

Send her off to a coconut island

   I am not worried..

  I am not overly concerned

With the status of my emotions…

“Oh" she says, "You're changing…"

..We’re always changing…

It does not bother me to say

This isn't love, because if you don't want to talk about it then,

It isn't love...

And I guess I'm gonna have to live without

But I'm sure, there's something in a shade of gray

..Or something inbetween..

And I can always change my name

…If that's what you need..

My friend assures me, "it's all or nothing`

   But I am not really worried

  I Am Not Overly Concerned

You try to tell yourself the things you try tell yourself

To make yourself forget, to make yourself forget…

I am not worried "If it's love" she said,

"Then were gonna have to think about the consequences"

She can't stop shaking…

            And I can t stop touching her…

    And this time…

When kindness falls like rain, it washes her away…

And Anna begins… to change her mind..

“These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days."

..She says

...And I'm not ready for this sort of thing…

           But I'm Not Gonna Break

       And I'm Not Gonna worry about it anymore…

     I'm Not Gonna Bend

   And I'm Not Gonna Break

 I'm Not Gonna worry about it ANYMORE………..

                 No, No, No, No, No

Seems like I should say… "As long as this is love…"

   …But it's not all that easy

So maybe I should..

Snap her up in a butterfly net

Pin her down on a photograph album

         I Am Not Worried..

  Cuz I've done this sort of thing before…

                   …But then I start to think about the consequences

I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and this time..

When kindness falls like rain, it washes me away…

      And Anna begins… to change My mind..

Every time she sneezes, I believe its love

   And, oh lord…

       I'm not ready for this sort of thing

She’s talking in her sleep

   It’s keeping me awake

     And Anna begins.. to toss and turn…

And every word is nonsense but I understand..

    And, oh lord..

I’m not ready for this sort of thing...

Her kindness bangs a gong

                                    It's moving me along

  And Anna begins to fade away..

...It’s chasing me away

                        She disappears, and, oh lord..

I’m.. not.. ready.. for… this sort of thing…

~Anna Begins, The Counting Crows

       I'm pretty sure this is my favorite song of all time...

Hints

The River of Blood

   

      Imagine

       Your Parents, Behind You

      Each With A Hand On Either Shoulder

      Their Parents Each With A Hand On Either Of Their Shoulders

      And Then Their Parents Each With A Hand On Either Of Their Shoulders

      And So On, And So On, And So On, And So On, And So On, And So On, And So On

      Each With Their Own Dreams, Desires, Disappointments, And Traumas

      Their Traditions, Cultures, And Connections, All Carried Down

       Through The Body, Through The Blood, And In Their Hearts

      Consciously & Unconsciously, Healed & Unhealed

      Waiting, Quietly, For You To Come To Be

      And What They Were Unable To

         Can Be Yours To

      Heal

      For All

      Your Days To Come

      And For Those That Come

      After

    ❤️

Promised

and she says its all time

time to heal the wounds of old

time to allow her heart to open

open enough to let this love in

but time passes us by

passes me by

opens me up to other ways

ways of the dead & dying

ways of protection

the heart breaks the same

inside of time

as it does outside

the chest caves the same

the words weigh the same

and the pain lingers the same

i've wasted plenty of time

passing time in ways that didn't serve me

that didn't protect me

that didn't allow me to love

love like i wanted to

like i needed to

like i was put here to

everything

in me, in you

black

and white

just like they taught you

these places leave us hopeless

these hearts leave us isolated

but it all ends the same

numb

loveless

the same as

everything 

time

promised

us

to feel

here

ⓒ 2013 Shawn Michael Quinn

Sleep To Dream

Everything You Came For..

I was right, I was right..
Oh, the sun, the sun, the sun is rising from the field
I've got a feeling I just can't shake
I've got a feeling that just wont go away
You've got to just keep on pushing, push the sky away
And if your friends think that you should do it different
And if they think that you should do it the same
You've got to just keep on pushing and push the sky away

And if you're feeling you've got everything you came for

If you got everything and you don't want no more

You've got to just keep on pushing, push the sky away

And some people say its just rock and roll

Oh, but it gets you right down to your soul

You've got to just keep on pushing

Keep on pushing and push the sky away

As clear as day..

 

And I had a dream, about my old..

And she was there all pink and gold and glittering

I threw my arms around her legs

Came to weeping (Came to weeping)

Came to weeping (Came to weeping)

And I heard your voice as clear as day

And you told me I should concentrate

It was all so strange, and it's so surreal

That a ghost should be so practical

Only if for a night.

And the only solution was to stand and fight

And my body was bruised and I was set alight

But you came over me like some holy rite

And although I was burning, you're the only light

Only if for a night

And the grass was so green against my new clothes

And I did cartwheels in your honour

Dancing on tiptoes, my own secret ceremonials

Before the service began in the graveyard doing handstands

And I heard your voice as clear as day

And you told me I should concentrate

It was all so strange and it's so surreal

That a ghost should be so practical

Only if for a night..

And the only solution was to stand and fight

And my body was bruised and I was set alight

But you came over me like some holy rite

And although I was burning, you're the only light

Only if for a night

My doe, my dear, my darling

Tell me what all this sighing's about

Tell me what all this sighing's about

And I heard your voice as clear as day

And you told me I should concentrate

It was all so strange and it's so surreal

That a ghost should be so practical

Only if for a night...

Kid Gloves

There's that burning hole

Deep in your gut

The one that never shuts up

Bleeding out and writhing in

I can see it 

Like everything...

Like the mirrors I pocket 

Into our shadows

And heart shaped lockets

These secret things

Each of us covet

Concealed from the eyes of the world

With candles lit and spells of smoke

Praying the gods you rise above it

But you can't hide truth from me

Though I'll never let you know it

With certainty..

Your words,

Your questions,

And especially,

Your intentions

Though believed better doors than windows

Serve as nothing else

But to expose you..

Naked & nymphetted

Not unlike the daddy issue

You would stake attempts to argue off

What exactly is it that stops you

From saying what you want?

Is it even about 'what' you want?

Or maybe just about 'getting' what you want?

How precious, the child's power play

Miles and circles

Exactly the same

Manic..

And again

Afraid..

These days I'm far less affected 

By the half-fast kid-shit attitudes in office politics

Than the things I End up needing to move out of my way

So if you're soliciting advice

On magic, work, the stars, or this little blue world

I'll tell you the same...

Say what you mean, and mean what you say

Because the true magicians are always making Magick

Not pretending to be everything

Stifling their flames

Life appears always to be teaching me new things

And recent years definitely no less than the rest

Because this daily sparing with my young daughter

Has showed me the value of sporting kid gloves

What matters, other than truth

Is what serves..

Service itself

Be warned

Or else…

Watch it

Burn

ⓒ 2013 Shawn Michael Quinn

Drift Unknowing..

I know there's something wrong, stop making it up

We're too proud to see we've lost more than our trust

And now there's nothing left, the well's dead and dried up

Its disease has left a foul taste in our cup

It just keeps on flowing, and we drift unknowing

It just keeps on flowing, this babble from our mouth

Who we are, I feel, most of the time

Carry on shuffling, in order, and in line..

Who we are, I fear, most of the time

Carry on whipping boy, stare into the light

Stare into the light..

And it feels familiar for good reason

I want us to break the case we're in

With one of the tools of this catatonic skin

Remove all the parts..

I want us to face the shape we're in

A world of confusion awaits our sons and kin

Let's reset it all, let's reset it all!

Well it stings, it hurts, is this how it's meant to be

Well it stings, and it hurts, is this how it's meant to be

Well it stings, and it hurts, a small price to pay to be

In control, and rebirth what our future's meant to be

Who we are, I fear, most of the time

So carry on whipping boy, stare into the light

I want us to face the shape we're in

A world of confusion awaits our sons and kin

Let's reset it all (we are, we are, we are)

Let's reset it all (we are, we are, we are)

These words of wisdom come with lack of vision

This is the worst day I've ever had to stand and witness

Touching Shoulders

Death whispers to me daily

Call it age appropriate

Or mid-life crisis

It doesn’t really matter…

Where that parrot used to sit

Now his shadow lurks in the darkness

These days go by faster

And my work demands more investment

The TV weighs on my mind

And my night dreams go unremembered

I write few and far between

And fantasize without the pen

But I know that death will arrive

Quicker

So I make choices based on what seems to matter

As though I’ll be able to reflect

Even then…

…Forever the fools vice…

I look forward to the morning hours alone with Sofia

With her on my lap, watching TV

Or reading a story

Or dressing her barbies

I attempt to build a future life

As if the world wont cease spinning

I try to love as if selfless

But I can no longer tell if I believe it

Or if the fear has me on the run

I love my love

And I love my daughter

I even love what I do for a living

I just can’t tell anymore if I’m really living…

I go through so many motions

Auto-pilot responses, Unconscious patterns

And sleepwalked emotional maps

That I have started to ask

What is actually left of me?

And I look back into so many years of me

All that exists in the perception of memories

Love and its many tasteless fantasies

Recapitulation in its un-glorious history..

Dostoyevsky once said “the second half of a man’s life is made up of little more than the habits acquired in the first half”

What else is there to say about that?

How true is it for me?

I’ll be 39 in 2 months

Tomorrow 11 years from when she left

And I don’t regularly think I’ll make it to 50

I want to be here for Sofia’s Children

My grandchildren…

But fear is a motherfucker

Without health insurance

Without tireless limbs

Without the aches where I used to play

Without fear…

‘I want to laugh & lie and fuck & cry

I want to tear down all that’s left to hold on to

And one day I want to die…’

So said someone six years ago…

What the fuck was he thinking?

He was fearless, he was Bold

He was naïve, he was young

Youth wasted on the young

Life wasted on the living

Death wasted on the dying

And I pray the angels nightly

Tempting their tortures with my indulgence

My daughter praying their names as unfortunates

Sharing love where love may not be felt

Touching shoulders in the void

But we dream it the same

Entwining our fates in a God unnamed

There was a time I longed to understand it all

Now I long for understanding in camaraderie

No matter how much I dig

No matter how much I believe

No answer will ever find me

Life wasted on the living…

No matter how much wisdom finds you dying

No matter how much pain leaves you crying

No matter how much regret holds you trying

Death will find you

And bury all you carried

Again

ⓒ 2013 Shawn Michael Quinn