Nursing Pandora

Its Friday, a moment in time... 
I tell her she can’t come with me. Many reasons. 
Mainly because I know she’ll annoy me to tears in her 5hr prep process.

“It’s a fucking bar.” I remember telling her every time.

So she comes with a friend.  We end up going home together anyway. Fine, we have sex, go to sleep.  I fuck her in the ass in the morning. She leaves (thank you)! She calls me a few hours later… grrr…

“I want to talk to you… about us.” Big fuckin’ surprise…

“Oh, that’s a new one.  You know I’m still sleeping, right?”

“I don’t want to just be your little fuck buddy. I want to be with you, forever. Why can’t we just commit to working it out?”

‘Is she insane?’ I think to myself… I tell her (again) that I’m sleeping. “And I have a ton of shit to do today, just call me tomorrow, alright?”

She huffs, puffs, blows her frustration out with the smoke. “Fine Shawn, whatever, asshole!”

“Okey dokey!” I laugh as she says goodbye and hangs up not hearing me.

I go back to sleep, wake up later, still entertained. 
Saturday bleeds into Sunday. Sunday comes, goes. 
Monday comes, goes. Tuesday comes, goes.

Wednesday I notice she never called.

I laugh knowing where she is and what she’s doing. She’s pissed, can’t have her way, acting out, spitten.  Ironically she calls soon after, it’s about 3pm. 
“Hello princess, how is he?”

“What are you talking about?” She asks as if I’d just accused her of dialing my number.

I laugh. “So, how is he?' Her transparency accompanied by her lying is unequalled.

“I talked to him, but I haven’t seen him.”  She admits.  
I continue laughing.

“What is your problem? What is so fucking funny?”

I ask, “Did you tell him you’ve seen me?  Just curious, of course.”

“No, that’s none of his business.”

I laugh… hysterically… uproariously….

“What?!” she screams. I laugh harder, prick that I am.

“What? He won’t commit to me. I don’t owe him shit!”

“Have you ever thought that maybe he wont commit to you because he knows you run back to fuck me every time he doesn’t give you every little possible thing you command you need or upon what you think you deserve?”

“That has nothing to do with anything, Shawn.”

“Of course not love! You seem to have it all figured out to the point that you’ve gotten your desired little commitment, now haven’t you?”

I am in uncontrollable fits of laughter now.

She proceeds to tell me how he has commitment issues because of his x-wife, and the fact that he was sexually abused as a child and that he likes to wear her clothes…

“I’m sure he’d love to know that you… 1) tell people these private things about him (especially me), 2) talk about him like this behind his back and like this in general and, 3) that you’re arrogant enough to judge him for such things… Yet you claim to love this man?”

“Whatever, I don’t care what he thinks.  He’s weak!  He just can’t handle a woman like me.” 
I think to myself how he must be one strong ass man, (no pun int-ended…) because I sure as hell can’t handle women like her…

“And you’re just being self-righteous, as always.”

Of course, I thank her for the brilliant reflection she so wittingly offers up.

A moment passes before the drama rolls in and she tells me she’s about to come clean with me.  I can hear the wax tears climbing like creatures up from under her eyelids along with the wax like mucus welling in her choked up throat.

“The truth is I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him.  Every time I’ve ever been with anyone, I think about other people and wonder if my life would be better with someone else, if I’d have more of all I want with someone else, except with him. I’ve never felt that way with him.”

‘Well of course, he’s rich.’ I think to myself before what she’s said finally hits me…

I was once engaged to this woman… And I’m pummeled, rightfully so…

I always sensed this about her, but it’s an entirely different story when someone comes clean, even if you already know the truth.

“But Shawn, I want you to know that when I’m with you, I’m completely with you!”

‘Of course you are…’ I think to myself… At this point she just fades out and all I can hear is the banging of my notorious Leo ego pounding the barricades of my childlike brain saying 'what, all this time you thought she was still in love with you settling with him because she couldn’t have you and now you find out it was the other way around…'

POUND POUND POUND POUND POUND!

Ok, over that.  I think I missed only a few sentences. I’m sure I’ll be able to pick it up easily enough, her puzzles aren’t often more than a few pieces anyhow.

It takes a moment or two and she says, “I second guess myself all the time. Why do I do this? What do I do about it?  He has so many issues but I’m in love with him and I’ve never felt this way about anyone…”

I become distracted again by, ‘his issues.’ 
I think, ‘God this girl needs a fucking mirror.’

“I don’t know where to start.” I tell her.

“No, where do I start? She says.

I start laughing again. She doesn’t find my humor funny.

She’s now asking me advise about him. I love it! As if she knows what the fuck she has inside of her or even who she is…

“Tell him what you just told me, that ought to do it.” I tell her laughing knowing she doesn’t have the capacity to embrace a concept like truth, or intimacy, or connection enough to speak in such a way.

“Why do I have to do it?” She yells self-importantly.

“You don’t have to.”

“Why should I?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t”

Then I think, ‘maybe… I shouldn’t… be having a conversation like this…’

“So yeah, I’ve got to run some errands, return some video tapes…”

It sails smoothly over her little Fraggle Rock head, oblivious, as always…

“OK” she says, “Wish me luck!”

I reply, “I wish……………… I could…”

But she was in her own world… thank the heavens…

These words long ago had fallen worthless to the floor…

As did any possible love for this parasite, this empty whore…