Breathe & Burn

A little intro… I took this ‘course’ like 4+ years ago… a couple friends had already taken it… I resisted in my own way for a while, then eventually gave in… It was definitely worth experiencing… I was, however, in a very interesting place in life enough as it was… BUT… everything in this life, in my opinion at least, is a double-edged sword… I have no regrets and I have turned many people I truly care for onto the experience in the years since I’ve taken it…  Anyway, this is basically a journal entry… something in me just decided to post it… thought some of you might get something out of it…

“And I don’t understand anything…”  ~EBTG  …Yes, and we teach what we need to learn…  Just had dinner with my fiend xxxxx.  We talked about the futility of life, her Saturn’s ascent, and the post ‘forum’ realizations… She barely connects to her world…  Everything in her life seems futile, devastated, yet unaffected… She feels this lack of passion, due probably from the forum’s whole “Life is empty and meaningless, and it’s empty and meaningless that it’s empty and meaningless” concept… Which, of course, is true… (well, probably…)  But it’s also one of the major fallbacks of partaking in the whole ‘landmark forum’ thingy… It takes and tears down all of our little life stories and shows them for exactly what they are… stories… Nothing more, nothing less… But what isn’t a story?  Nothing… And they leave you with exactly that… Nothing… To then make up a ‘better’ story to create for your life with any and all possibilities, possible… The problem, however, is that you know it’s all a story.  It’s obviously hard to believe in it and if you do, you know it’s only a lie you are lying to yourself, or, at the very least, nothing more than a game… And this is where most people have trouble with their ‘passions’. 

How can you be passionate about something meaningless, especially if you are the one who made it up, and also know it was you who made it up?  So above and beyond everything in your life now having developed meaninglessness, what is there to believe in?  Nothing… You sure as hell (hahah..: oxymoron) aren’t going to get any answers on anything in your life, like choices perhaps, having been right or even wrong, much less the more important questions that plague us, like “Does God exist?” or “Is there life after death?” or “Is my penis big enough…?” So like before your ‘empty and meaningless’ experience, or your near death experience, or your kick ass hallucinogenic experience, or your near-suicidal loss-of-faith period, it is, again, up to you and you alone.  And what exactly, is it that is up to you?  “What do I believe in?”  …That is big question, isn’t it?  What do I believe in?  What can I actually be passionate about?  What can I give?  What can I give away (because I really don’t want it in me anymore…lol)?  What can I fill this incredible void of meaningless emptiness that I am swimming through in this brief period of conscious consciousness I call my life, that of being aware of being aware of being alive?  What is it that is to keep me getting out of bed in the morning and not of killing myself the night prior? What is it?

It’s PASSION!  Its faith!  It’s love!  It’s that of living every moment for the beautiful blessing it is…  It sure isn’t the hopes and dreams I have of some far or not so far off future where I have every DVD, CD or Book I ever wanted.  It’s not writing some best seller.  It’s not having some big house, getting married, having kids, or going to work every day.  It’s not some kick ass career either.  It’s not even my family and friends, (although they all make this insane little roller coaster ride that is called life that much more enjoyable, and comfortable for me.)  ..Because in the end, no matter how much comfort these endearing souls deliver to the hope of this heart, it’s me, alone, at the end, and in every moment and space between the moments that has to make this life count…  And by the grace of God, I pray that I always remember, recall, relive, and remind myself, that this, this right here, right now, is all there is… And I swear by this in me that is able to perceive it, that I will let it be, let it live within me, and let this passion breathe… and burn… This… is what it means to be… Alive!