J. Entry 01042004

Lee is at work.  I’m alone, listening to music, drinking a few beers, alive. 

I remember being a child, without true freedom wanting a world of my own.  When I was a kid, that world was my Star Wars toys.  Instead of going to play outside all of the time, I’d sometimes sit downstairs in the basement and create worlds with my Star Wars play-sets and figures.  I moved everything at will.  I was God.  As I got older and older and tested each of my boundaries, learning I wasn’t God, I yearned for that freedom, the freedom to be the God of my own world again.  And small as that world might be, I would be God again. 

Tonight I sit alone in this apartment looking around at my shelves full of music, movies, books about theology, philosophy, psychology, science, hope, love, poetry, depression, dreams, starts, etc… I know that when Lee leaves this apartment, this world will be mine, each time, small as it is.  These sounds like the words of a madman, don’t they?  I am mad, “mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” (~Network) 

When he’s gone, I will be the God of my own surroundings except when I go to work, but I don’t expect to be working much longer anyhow..  I will be here, listening to music, watching movies, reading books, and writing in silly little notebooks like this one.  I’ll invite people into my world at will, upon choice, alienated by choice, separated and isolated upon choices of my own volition, going out into the real world when I choose to.  But in here, I will be free.  I will be God.  What is this?  Is this life?  It is a life so long as I continue to choose it to be.  How do we end up in places like these?  Each of us choose our own cells, inside & out…